the key to my heart...

2006-03-13T17:16:00.000+08:00

Peeps. I have moved. To a more cheerful place. Wheeee.

http://takealittlepieceofmyheart.blogspot.com/

Seeya there.

2006-01-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

All i ever wanted.
Was to be that butterfly.
That has no ears.
But one heart.
And feel its surroundings.
Fluttering around, in and out of your world.
Only trying to beautify it.

Bless my efforts.
And your world.
With everlasting beauty.
After the butterfly has expired.
And lasted its three sunrises.
And sunsets.

"When love demands, there is no trust.
When there is no trust, there is no love"
I guess the answer to it all...would be to trust your love.
And dreams.

To the doubter of his dreams but companion of mine: Forsake your hopes and you risk losing your soul. Betray your dreams and derail your destiny. It lies all in your hands.

To the keeper of innocence and ghost of my hopes: May all your potential be fulfilled and tomorrow only be brighter.

To the found and lost friend: Be who you were meant to be, and allow me to be the past meddler and present observer, rescue buoy.

To the spark of forsaken yesterdays: Hopeful that your spirit lives on and burn the everlasting flame.

To a partner of the rooted days: Step back onto the path you were meant to be on and reunite with your calling.

To the desire lying in the waiting: Be satisfied.

To all that paint of this life: This canvas lies before you. Tainted, spoilt, beautified, glorified, and entwined forever with the painter.

I once had a pet bird.
It flew into my life.
I enclosed it within my cage.
Only to open the gates to grant it freedom.
It stayed within this soul.
The skies await.
Freedom lurks.
But love reigned supreme.
And called home victorious.

Le papillion.
The butterfly.
So beautiful yet shortlived.

Carrying all its hopes on those painted wings,
towards eternity and all that lies within and ahead.
In its fantasies and dreams.
Flying an everlasting hope.
Hope.

2006-01-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

A new skin...to seal my soul.
And close with an last entry.
Everything that mattered.
And was signified.
Among the prose.
And poems.
Awaiting inspiration for that last entry...

2006-01-08T15:08:00.000+08:00

Rain has set in.
In this season of afresh beginnings.
Beginnings.
Signals end.
Endings signals of begginings?

Caught in the rain.
Gosh.
A good indicator of the state of mind by seeing my reaction to those drops of heavenly dew.
As many would know...i love the rain.
When i used to be caught in the rain, probably i would walk in it.
And be engulfed by a peaceful bliss.
Haha...remember many of those memories.
People who don't know me would b shocked.
First few weeks in ac...got caught in rain.
WHile people were like running...to the container classrooms,
i was like strolling...holding out my hands for it.
Haha, people were like staring at me.
Two rabbits...jumped into the pack of wolves.
one became a wolf.
The other changed them.
I guess...i converted to lovers of the fast paced and less feeling.
Where i dash across the rain.
Maybe its time to rediscover my touch.
And love for feelings.
Ans sensitivity.
And put down certain droughts in my life.
Hee.

Love the rain.
and the sound of everything coming to a still.
Where memories and feelings seem starkingly clear.
And you can hold yourself tight.
And embrace your soul.

2006-01-07T21:37:00.000+08:00

Woohoo. A good break today from a crazy place called school.
Hee. Watched this movie called golden chicken. A hk production.
Watched more vcds..then tried watchin godfather..bt too long for today..mayb tml.
So many good shows await me...the butterfly...the return...the last emperor...love me if u dare..A La folie pas du tout..all arty farty shows..haha..n i love them!!!..haha..bt schl will keep me away frm my shows. Boohoohoo. And this great book awaits me after the louis cha extravagnaza....be with me..this jap book tht gt made into a movie.

Fantasy. Just a picture in our mind.
That never seem to fade.
Only to become more beautiful.
But when you taste it,
would it be that good.
Or fall flat on you?
The point is...you wont.
It's a fantasy...remeber?
Sticking to reality.
And rediscovering my steps.
Catching the chords of that piece of music.

2006-01-06T20:35:00.000+08:00

Long long week.
The four days seemed like eternity like hw many of my classmates were saying.
The body fatigue level seem like 3 months old.
Amazing?
Not really. That would b a normal situation if you want a sniff at 4 As or similar grades.
Yes.
So if you want the fruits...don't complain about the labour.

Taking a good break this weekend.
Just enjoy simple non activity and recharge those cells before chioning all da way again!!!
Woohoo.

Distractions.
Of the soul.
Wandering across your landscape.
Ghosts haunting too.
Forming a duet of dangers.
Focus on the goal ahead.
And clear the cobwebs lingering in the closet.
Only keeping the pictures.

2006-01-05T19:59:00.000+08:00

I am becoming weak.
Very weak.
To prove my point, a mere 30 mins pt session shagged me out. It totally shagged me out. Gosh! And i was having this illusion that one year of non activity plus 3 mths of holidaying while having tennis sessions as the only exercise wld keep me fit. Fat fat hope. Aha. Sad change. It used to be that i was the one laughing at ppl like the me now. Easily succumbing to pt sessions. I used to shout at my cadets for being unable to tolerate my one hr pt sessions. Now this. Retribution. For the screaming at my former cadets and for being lazy. Ahah.

Today was fine i guess. Like how all the school days are becoming a orchestra of will. The orchestra of will. That includes tomorrow and the days to come. Hee. And sean lost his wallet today. No...to be exact...he found it back..only to find the money gone. Seventy plus bucks. Gosh. Ac is rich? U bet. Ac has creeps who r stupid poor losers? U bet too. As i was telling sean. The person who stole the money...lost/ U lost ur money. He lost his integrity. Cliche as it may sound. But true.

Sometimes we don't really appreciate what we have. What our life gives us. A illustration: My class got a new chinese teacher. So in the process of guessing who was it and whether we cld thus skip lessons, we found out it was a horrid teacher, the black widow. We screamt n cursed. Lol. When we found out that no...its another teacher, we were relieved. But after a while...we were missing our old teacher. And hoping we cld have him back as he allowed us to skip lessons n have picnics in class. haha. But hey...it cld have been worse. As we found out. The point is...we pick from a basket of fruits. We may not always get the pick of the crop. But just appreciate what we got. Sure...we got some good stuff before. But you wld never be satisfied if u held on to what u best savoured be4 right? Yup. Thats the POINT. Dun be a loser who cant accomodate to life. U r a winner. ****end of message****

Woohoo. Hyped up to be a decent student and do my work and revisions. Of course..light ones...so as to not face a meltdown. But this year wld b a better year. Academically wise. And hopefully soulfully wise. But last year was a rewarding year it turned out to be. If only u bothered to turn back and reflect. And savour those moment that made it all worthwhile.

Before the sunrise....lies the darkest night.
Interpret it in your own way.
Darkness is only there to contrast with light.
And make it only more beautiful.

2006-01-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

The rain is falling.
Full of memories.
Make me feel like the day we parted...

Bitter bliss.
Tired courage.
Determined struggle.

Result of a satisfied soul. Abandoned in a system of weariness. Passion of a love brimmed vision. Lost in a pale reflection of that image.

Tired days ahead. Just the work kills. Not to mention the strain. New chem teacher. Reminds me of mr chan. haha. i guess...if i had mr chan for chem in sec schl..it wld have been like this mr cheong. Lol. Totally similar style. Good or bad? haha. U judge. heee.

Had lunch with ozt. Learned that my choice was lousy. Bought worng size. Gosh. A thought lost. Hmm. Rainy day. Gloomy mood. But ultimately...the resonation of hopes n dreams seem to overide all those negativity.

Hope for you too. Wish you see the light. And walk on. Armed with a stronger faith. In this crazy world. Protect your soul. Before its gone. Believe in a dream. And hold on to it. Maybe...just maybe...it will lead you on, forever.

Plentiful joy. In the season of droughts.
Abundant satisfaction. Amid the lost of yield.
Lost.
And found?

2006-01-03T22:16:00.000+08:00

Listen to the chords playing in the background.
The words drumming into your head.
Filling up your soul.
Decide upon your inner being.
And what it takes to fulfill it.
Quench its thirst.
Maybe you will stop feeling lost.
And just feel satisfied, with all that stands before you, behind you.
Ahead of you.

2006-01-02T19:11:00.000+08:00

After the fireworks,what shall remain?

Days of non blogging. The activities to usher in the new year and celebrate it overwhelmed. Hee. New year eve was quite awesome. Just enjoying the day together was fulfilling. Yesterday was spent celebrating with family...and me and k queen cousin were like singing karaoke non stop for like err...4 hrs. HOHO. My singing was in top form. Hehe.

Loved the fireworks that day. As i watched those gleeful sparks go off with the boundless sky as its background, eternity seemed to stand before me. Hmm. The atmosphere was electrifying. The smell of wonders ahead was lingering in the air. Indeed, what will await us after the fireworks, and the splendour of the day? Stepping into this new year, the days ahead seem pregnant of tough mountains to climb. But it do not seem so bleak anymore. The strength seems never ending. There may be gloom. There may be times where the knight seem to be ready to give it all up. But the hope, the dream....and everything awaiting at the end of the journey...part of it...seem to much to lose. Indeed, everything is there for us to to win. No price need to be dangled, and the warriors shall fight on.

Part of my battle is you.
So is my strength.
Battling my strength.
And dreams.
To achieve a higher hope. Stronger calling.
Lead me on.
Forever.

2005-12-30T22:37:00.000+08:00

Keeping the dream alive.

"Tonight the rain is falling
Full of memories of people and places
And while the past is calling
In my fantasy
I remember their faces

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I hear myself recalling
Things you said to me
The night it all started
And still the rain is falling
Makes me feel the way
I felt when we parted

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
Cause all the answers come one by one

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
I need you I love you
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

The game will never be over ..."

I will always keep the dream alive.
the hopes too high.
But still...
The game will never be over.

2005-12-30T12:24:00.000+08:00

Suppose to an outing today.
Which there is.
But i didnt go.
Hee.
Cause i didnt keep my mouth shut and left my brain off.
Gosh. Haha.
However...tomorrow shall be a fun day.
I guess, it will be the last outing before school reopens.
And then, we will all be engulfed and overwhelmed by our studies.
But oh wells, that's our life.
At least for another year.
At least...we already have next next next year's holiday trip already in mind...
Haha.

Hee...such a old song playing in the background.One of my favourite song in pri 5. haha. And sec 3. Such a old song. And the singing is less than perfect. But oh wells...the lyrics and feeling is so overwhelming. I guess...the winter is peltering to a stop. A season is salvaged just at the last moment. Maybe even a huge part of the soul was saved. Maybe. Glimpses of what could have been and what have been. What will be will be altogether different.

"If i try to save him, my whole world will cave in,
It just ain't right, no it just ain't right."
-Beautiful disaster.

Wonderful seasons ahead.
In the times of change.
And temperaments.
Winter. Autumn. Spring.
Summer.

2005-12-29T15:09:00.000+08:00

Take a raindrop.
And let it slip through you.
Reach out again.
For that next one.
It may just wet your soul.
And seal your fate.

Infurirated at how casual people deal you blows.
But again how can u blame.
When a raindrop was a blessing to you and not them.
One day it will slip away, those precious drops of life.
And maybe the feeling it leave behind will be so slight.
In this season of cold.
The rain has frozen to put everything to a standstill.
You see everything magnified through the prism of liquid.
It all becomes clear.
Yet you still reach out.
For the next downpour.
To replenish your soul.
As the flow within your body and those from above fall.
Mercilessly.
Tears of rain.
Rain of tears.
Wake me up.

You know it will never be enough.
Your love won't stop the rain.
Neither will your hands.
Slipping so slowly in and out of a dream.
Cleanse away this spirit.
And soul.

2005-12-27T17:09:00.000+08:00

As the wind blows...
I hear your whisper.
I feel the moisture.
Of the passing ghost.

Yesterday was out the whole day. 8 to 8. Morning was bball with ken yr zt lk and some other guys. hmmm. Back to that old court. I think the last time we played there...we were in sec 3...early sec 3. That was the time when we guys...the np gang were so carefreely hanging out together. Playing bball...soccer...bowling with 7788...larlarlar. And now...from the person who wanted to play bball...n called ken out to play bball...with zy n marvin practically everyday...i have nw learned to love quieter times. And from a quieter person ken...my dearest buddy is a fervent lover of bball..as is even in a bball team. haha. How the times have changed. And my other dear buddy ozt is as usual...the in between man. The chummy join in the activity and not passinate abt it bt go along guy. Hee. And now he has entered a instituition of such a diff nature. How the times have changed. But oh wells...that is the way it is. And bless their souls...they still remain my dearest buddies. Mutual ones at least. Some loop sided ones still lingering in the air.

Shall be stagnant the next few days and allow the hols to drift past me.
As it stands...the closing finale is coming near.
And i just want to hold on.
Hold on.
Yet let it skip away.
That ghost.

2005-12-25T18:14:00.000+08:00

Merry xmas.
Fading slowly away.
As the mood lingers in the air.
The love starkingly fills those gaps.
And bonds hearts of people apart together.
The most beautiful part of xmas:
To just sit there thinking of your loved ones...
And knowing that they too are thinking of you.
Are they?

Just sitting around soaking in the feeling in.
What a bout of reminiscing and relfections.
Of past memories and how wonderful they have been.
Xmas have this magical way of allowing you to just pick up what should be felt.
But the sweetest always have its sideeffects.
They leave a aftertaste after they past.
And make u long for more.
Or wish it would never end as you let it slip through you.

The most precious is often not what happens only.
That you dream of.
That you hope for.
That you pray for.
Those you strived for.
Those you gave your all for.
Dreams. Fantasies.
May just all come true.
In the seasons of magic.
But where do you go from there?
Wishing upon a star.

This is not how it should feel.
I know, i know.
Let my soul find its home.
And feel more whole next year, this time.
Where loneliness...that seems baseless disappear.
Xmas resolution: Eternal joy to me and those i love.
Eternal.

2005-12-24T20:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you don't know what's so good about something.
You just don't know why you treasure it so.
But you simply find it indispensable.
With no reason.
Like some potion,
that got you hooked.

A drug of life.

Went out shopping at orchard again with mum. Hmm. I still havent got any gifts and cards. I cant believe it. I have been a devote card sender for the past three years. Really dedicated one. Haha. As in fifty cards or so. And gifts to the few selected friends always. But this year...only a few gifts bought so far. And there is no urge to give them away to their owners. Hmm. Maybe the xmas mood is simply missing. I guess...this year...new year is more meaningful. Where...for me...it is like the last year in school...and quite an important year. Hmm. So i guess....new year will be celebrated with more aplomb. Yes. Decided.

Sometimes....those who deserve a gift...you do not giv them one. And those whom u give...you just don't know why you give. you just want to do it. A very sincere one. As in...no obligation. The tie is so close already...where gifts are passing acts...yet you still do it. Over the years, at the receiving end...people change. Their reaction change. Their response change. Even the peple themself change. Will they ever remain? Wonder.

Snow of the past peltering.
Playing a sonata of memories.
That melt away with the moving on.
The cold seeps so slowly in.
And fill every inch of your bones.
You are destined to feel this sensation.
Forever.

One path.
Many conclusions.
Different sights.
Common view.

Merry christmas.
I make a silent prayer.
For you.
You.
And you.

2005-12-23T20:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday i realised.
Why the feeling of imagining myself walking down those tokyo train tracks were so familiar.
It was the same one i had looking out from cjc's steps leading to their basketball courts.
Also the same one i have when swimming in the night pool.
Of course...similar looking into the nigtime victoria harbour and palawan beach.
It would be the same one, if i could play a piano piece to linger in the living room.
For you to hear.

Watched movie day again. Ray. And rewatched infernal affairs two. I alwaysd thought the directing and sentimentality value of this one was better than the first one. Other than the fact that the two lead actors sux. I remeber the first time i saw it...the scene where the elder brother got shot....was especially touching. Anyone would have cried. No? This second time watching it....same result. haha. Did i watch it with you. You? Hmmm.

Xmas folklore:

There was a prince who persisted in getting the hand of a princess.
She relented and said if he stood in the freezing snow for a 100 days, she will marry him.
He stood for 99 days, no less, in the freezing snow.
On the dawn of the 100th day, he left.
He knew that the princess would force herself to marry him event if she didnt want to...just to fulfill her promise.
Her happiness was priority.
So he left.
Still harbouring a hope in him.
But that hope lay second to her happiness.

Childish folklore.
But what splendid bitterness.
A layer of sweetness harbouring beneath.
Would you find your way home?
Would your actions touch as it should.
It no longer matters.

In this magical season,
the greatest gift is the thought.
That at that moment,
all your loved ones are thinking of you.
And you thinking of them.

2005-12-22T20:12:00.000+08:00

Tis the season...
For dreams and fantasies to plague your soul...
Magically, naturally, during this period, you uncontrollably fall into this cycle of reflecting emotions.

Rejected all proposals to go out. Cancelled all plans to catch movies etc. Gosh. Hmm...was blaming ken for watching king kong already...but ironically...now am in a state of stalemate instead. hah.

Days of sitting by the tv...sipping the cup of tea.
And feeling the whole year that have past.
And all the deepest emotions you have felt.
Where do you go from here.
To my surprise.
Square one.
That is where i stand.
Where only a few pieces of puzzle make up this humongous image.
And only one will solve the puzzle immediately.

2005-12-21T20:12:00.000+08:00

Saw this article talking about bullet train stations in tokyo.
A pang of soul hit me.
Imagine walking down that track...
In a foreign city.
All boundaries thrown behind.
Where only the feelings in front of you matter.
Eternity seemingly closer than ever.
Days of imagination.
In the era of dreams.

Probably why sound of colours was the most touching of films.

Went out today with ozt for awhile. Hee. He wanted to shop for xmas gifts. And i was suaning him for o long. haha. Xmas gifts. Never issit the item but the meaning behind it.A few very good examples. Someone gave me a whole bundle of gifts...quite to my liking..but that touch of hope was no longer ther...so what's the point other than mere gratitude. On the other hand...when i received a few items of no immense value or even liking...i treasure them so much. One being a wallet so tattered and torn by now but till recently still in use....a concert vcd...a calender..a water bottle....a clay figurine frm overseas...n yes...a mug....mugs...recently. hah. I may not like them very much by itself...as in i wont even buy them if i was shopping myself...but the meaning behind the gift...and the person who gave it adds a very immense and precious dimension to it. As if that item itself was a bridge between you and that person and all you had together in a certain relationship. You treasure the gift...because of something more than the gift. So please don't patronise with gifts that don't mean anything. The giver sometimes do not see the meaning as much as the receiver. Which is ironic. that brings into question...who is the receiver?...the giver or receiver? He who appreciate the meaning behind the gift is the receiver. Regardless of who gave the present...the person who appreciates the gift...received that part of the soul. prefably both the giver and receiver. Only then the gift becomes treasured. That probably is what they mean by its the thought that counts. The thought is the gift. To both parties. In this season of gifts...all those blessings and gifts and cards. Who will treasure and who will receive? The same people.

Even a silent prayer is a gift.
Sometimes the most precious.
Overcoming destiny with love.

2005-12-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

Imagine walking down that road.
With george winston's pachelbel canon playing in the background.
Those chords stringing with your heart.
I am sure you would just break down and cry.
The touching moment would have grasped all of you.
And you would be drowning in the memories.
Of your life.
Together with your tears.
The memories mostly sweet.
But the tears not.
As the sweet became memories.
And is no longer your life.
Of course...you will walk on with that road.
And reach home.
But when will that be?
Where memories become the fuel.
And not the spark itself.
Fantasies of tomorrow.
Fullfilled by dreams of yesterday.
Forever fulfilled.
And left to be longed.

Congratulations for moving on.
Your path shall lead you home.

I see home too.
Fantasy.
Nightmare.
But it is too beautiful to be true.
As i search for another.
Beautiful but true.
Truly beautiful.

2005-12-19T14:25:00.000+08:00

Wheeee. Its over.
The party has past.
But the joy and satisfaction...
Keeps you going on, and on.

Hee. Never blog for so so long. Been busy with the preparation and the party itself. But i guess it was very much worth it. Was the best bbq i had i think. Hee...hope the ppl enjoyed it. Hmm. And thanks so much for the gifts everyone. Haha. Although i was joking about the gifts in the email...haha...i m dying of choco...woohoo...love it. Thanks for all the choco...clement cs n elaine and lx. Thanks to ms moomoo...u really know my taste dun u. V good choice. Thanks loads for this wonderful cd. Hee. Thanks to poof n xx for the gifts..haha...they r birthday gifts though right?..haha....poof...u rock lar...gimme tht for tennis right?..haha..n the pen rocks...so darn cute...i use for alevels..haha...n xx wad has m gt to do with me...perlini's silver..eiyehhh...nt gold..haha...jkin...thx for it..i still owe u a birthday gift...hehe. Ozt!!!!!...thx for the cup...n reminding me hw childish i m...haha..love winnie the pooh...hehe..am chewing on the gummis as well..haha...muackz...thx. Haha. Kenneth...wad can i say...thx for the coffee..mug...u know i need one dun you?...hee...n the overseas souveneirs...wad else can i say. Thx loads. Owe u guys a xmas gift. Yep. One final thanks. Hee. Thx everyone for coming. And oh...vanessa for the wonderful fstive candy. Hee. Hope all of you enjoyed it. Yep. It was all so satisfying to see everyone enjoy it. Absoulutely. The effort to continue this spirit after sepearte paths...touches ehh? Yep. Never should change. hee.

Embracing the festive lights.
The seasonal warmth,
that is starkingly clear in the cold.
The hope of tml brings the pain of today away?
No...the joy of yesterday keeps you going.
Hee.

2005-12-15T19:26:00.000+08:00

Fading slowly into the background...
The chorus is slowly being overwhelmed by the opening verses.
The meaning of the words become blurred.
Painting a picture of determined doubt.
Covering the underlying truth and message.
Its final.

Heee. Last day of slacking. Tomorrow on...must start preparing for party stuff with mum n bro. Hee...it probably will b quite hectic preparation n messy on the day itself. But heck. The show must go on. It probably is the last holiday..for a long long time. Hee.

Mundane words fill these pages yet again. Maybe...when life seeps back in...

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as dumb as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

Contradiction of messages.
The verdict is layed.
Vision is cleared.
The path is layed.
Ahead.
Start anew.
With old aspirations.
New directives.

2005-12-14T18:17:00.000+08:00

This ship meets its destinations.
Some it pasts by without stopping to take it in.
Others manages to tempt it to stay...just for awhile.
Only one will make keep the ship forever by its bay.
Till then...keep the horizon clear.
Hoist your masts up high.
Allow your ship to go with the flow of the sea.
Believing it will bring you to your destiny, your true calling, choice.

Yet another day of tv, dvd heavy day. Made my revision plan. *open mouth big big*...haha..yup...me...i am revising. errr...but its a plan. Meaning to say...just for show or to make my conscience feel better. Hehe.

Looking forward to sunday. Sure it will be fun although quite messy logistically...heeee.

Looking ahead...past the horizon.
Where all my hopes and dreams lie.
Let's start anew.
With soaring wings and steadfast memories.
You too.
Please do.

2005-12-13T21:52:00.000+08:00

What makes a man?
Is it his origins?
The way he comes to life?
I dun think so.
It's not how he starts things,
but how he choose to end them...

Marathon of movies today. First up: Hellboy. Nice action packed movie...with abit of philosophy to it...just a little. Next...potter: azkerban. Soso. The final movie: the highly rated a history of violence. Hmm...action n sex scenes aside...nothing extraordinary to it. Gotto admit the action scenes were quite good. But zero plot. Urgh.

Life shall be quite monotonous the next few days other than preparing for sunday's party...and just slacking. Hmm.

U got a choice.
It's your life.
Why let others control it?
Control it where you want it to go.
People who follow are part of it.
Those whom you follow are also part of it.
The rest...are mere sights and sounds.
And colour your life.

2005-12-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

Don't cry tonight...
I still love you baby.
Don't cry tonight,
there's still a heaven above you.

Can't you see it?

Ooh...today is slacking day after the holiday trip. Just sat around watching movies after movies. Really good ones. Of course..i chose them. Wahahah. Nothing to blog about..other than that there will b a xmas party comin up..heehee...so pls do come...those invited..n those who feel they shld b invited n have nt been can call me too..haha....zt ask if gifts gg to b exchanged..haha..of crse nt....its the host who receive gifts no?...so pls come with gifts..for me..haha...no lar..jkin...so absurd...lol....

Oh...yet another reminder..to be happy..n smile....smile smile....a smile that matches with a happy soul....satisfied soul...hee...yeah...

Getting back in the motion to grap the world...by its waist...n hug every bi of life out of it....pls give me more...woohooo!

2005-12-11T23:50:00.000+08:00

Looking into the boundless sea frm the hotel room,
i see your eyes...
And forever seems like the flood of sea.
So massive and desirable, yet never able to be attained.

The holiday...shall not talk too much about it.
Maybe when im in the mood the next few days.
For now worry andd helplessness fill me.
Hmm...pls do not let urself slip into what i felt...for it will be hard to get up.
Stand up...for your happiness..
Love yourself.
Treasure yourself.
Like how many love and treasure you.
As otherwise...you bring pain n sorrow to yourself...n them.
Think about it.

Tommorow's hope will bring away today's pain.
Learnt that from this holiday.
Left cold cold honk kong.
Back into the tropical warmth of singapore.
Its so warm.
But a little of the eerie cold from the winter still remains.

Cheer up my friend=)

2005-12-03T21:43:00.000+08:00

Leaving tml morning...wheeeee.

Hate flights though.Argh. Everytime a turbulence starts....i break out in cold sweat. One of the fears in my life. Hee.

So everybody....adieu...n seeya ppl soon. Heee.

tC ppl. =)

2005-12-02T21:22:00.000+08:00

Light blogging for these few days.

2 more days to a terrifying flight...lol...

Shopping frenzy...gosh...hate shopping.

Embracing myself for this soul wandering....and hope it returns home unscathed.

As this is the state i want it to remain in.

Blissful, with a tinge of doubt and hope.

2005-12-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

Home.

Dedicated to the ppl whom i will miss and whom i will miss. Hee.

I want to go home.

I gotto go home.

I am coming back home...

2005-12-01T20:16:00.000+08:00

Raging winds.
Hesistant rain.
Chilling seasons.
Warm soul.
Approaching the storm.
As beams of light emerge from the clouds.
The ultimate attainment of peace.
Inner peace.

Tennis before going overseas. Woohoo. Fun fun fun. That is practically all that happened other than meeting li ann to pass her the board n buy the cookies frm her. haha. Weird cookies. Right kenneth? Lol. Hmm. these cookie are not available in sin yet...but as kenneth found out..they are either trying to be funny..or plainly have a weird sense of marketing. haha....they actually seriously put m &m onto the cookies. As li ann said...they r quite yummy..but definetly not marketable. What are these adults thinking? That kids only eat and are bling. Hawhawhaw. Ooh...am flying off on dec 4...so now packing luggage and shopping for clothes n stuff. hmm. Hate this part of the hols. haha. But going back shld b alright..good food and just relaxing. And just a stint to rest your soul and look at everything very clearly...like some things. Hmm.

So pls...wait for me to come back and watch the ystd mentioned movies. Hee. i will be back. hawhaw. And then it will be party preparation then school? Narh. Dun even want to think of it. The most slack hols ever...hee...

The horizon in front of you.
Where everything seems to end.
And immense splendour blind you.
And you see the sun.
You realise...after the horizon...everything worth waiting for..is waiting for you.

2005-11-30T16:47:00.000+08:00

Awakenen yet again from a dream.
Deja vu?

With time wisdom gets bestowed upon you ms liang once said. Hmm. This experience is a testimony to that observation i guess. Silly squabbles and holdbacks are fading away. Misunderstandings they say is a result of distance. But that is an excuse for being too tired to breach that gap. With time you realise...those relationships that are really worth keeping and will sustain such strains really do not allow the childish whims from misunderstandings to occur. Even if they do...at times...they disappear really quickly and without leaving a trace. Those that do not follow such a pattern are either relationships not worth keeping or are really not strong or matured enough. A friend remarked:" we both thought we knew each other very well, but we really did not know each other well enough" Simple point. Difficult to grasp. It really is not to lament the understanding gap lacking. The essense of it is to realise that even though understanding may be lacking...in the end...the mutual compromise and concern breaches that gap and allow it to be insignificant. Yes. Lesson long learnt. But fully realised. You?

Perhaps king kong loves aeon flux and narnia. The beautiful and passionate. haha....4 movies that i must catch before hell sets in nxt yr. hee. Really cool ones. For now...preparing for holiday trip...but still there is time for one last tennis game tml..yep...so cool.

The passionate.
The beautiful.
And the crudely strong.
Perhaps.
Perhaps...
loved.

2005-11-29T16:09:00.000+08:00

I even have to ponder the words i speak to you.
More tragically, you had to treat them with distaste.
I could not just turn away and ignore it with my bitterness,
instead i chose and still choose to read them my own way.
And stick to my path.
Fated and destined.
Rather, a controlled attempt at making my soul a hollow.

Boring day. Suppose to have tennis apptment with friends. But due to resource insufficiency and mood deficiency, nothing happened.

Will of the soul or dreams of the lurking space shall victor?
Looking forward to the days ahead.
With optimism.
And just a tinge and ignorance and regret.
Of course also anger.
But the coy sweetness is the resulting taste.
At last.
I hope.

2005-11-28T21:57:00.000+08:00

It was like a slap across the face.
Yet i still have to put on a smile.
At a moment, i realised it was not the lack of words.
But that the content itself has changed.
Then i realised...that everything was beyond repair...yet must be repaired.
Like how you shamelessly hold on to a possesion that really is not yours.
It made me feel and reflect on where the responsibility lie.
The roots of the problem and what was the cure?
Maybe...it was all from the start, me, who is the fundamental ailment.
Meaning to say all that happened was a farce.
A show.
A masquerade?
All a pack of lies.
All that you talked to me about.
All.

The watermelon killed the fire.
But the seeds were bitter.

2005-11-28T14:26:00.000+08:00

The happiness is splendid while it lasted?
Freedom sweet while unbounded.
The hope abundant as dreams took root.
Spirit soaring when the sight was clear.
Why do these visions always have to come and go?

Ooh...spent the night out of home. Hmm...well...the day started well enough..hee...as did the last two weeks. We had picnic at sentosa. It was really great i thought although some of the guys were quite bored. But oh wells...simple pleasures...no? After picnic...went back to harbour front and after awhile thought could meet zt bt then 4got ym say want to take bus...so kena jack jack jack....bt oh wells...really wouldnt bother to rebutt...as it really is nothing much to argue abt. hmm. Guess things change ppl change. So the 9 of us went towards nt...for campfire. Well...the campfire was quite boring to be honest...hmm....bt just the lingering spirit seem to intoxicate a part of you. But had this constant feeling like that of an intruder to a party. hah! We sat around waiting for something to happpen after the campfire. Hmm...and after a while we decided to have a photo take with ms liang...n ms wong...hee. But something happened along the way without me even knowing. Still don't. I simply don't know what happened. Anyway....it went on. the show went on. Where 5 of us went clementi for dinner. Hmm. And then wj left first. Me ken zy marvin played pool. Fun. And kenneth left since he don't watch soccer. So me and the two little fellows were left. Hee. After the man utd match..great match..hee...we just walked frm clementi to wcp...eat bfast..n walked back to clementi..haha. till transport came back...we went home. I walked past nt purposely...hee...and saw some morning pt gg on. Simple ripples in the soul. It was all like a dream. Just an illusion of an image...while something blurred that image. How one piece of a puzzle can cause such great distraction and unease.

End of the tale.
Moral of the story?
Conclusion?
Why did a character just rip a part of my soul unfairly out for no rhyme or reason.
Hate that.
How someone persist with his action when it leads to another distress.
Take my picture off the wall if it does not sing for you.
Such a familiar line.
Maybe cause it have been sung before.
And yet it has to be played in my room all over again.
hah!

Who said that life's experiences is a trial in itself?
That we cannot stand all those touching moments.
And they would return to burn your soul.
At this era of peace and joy.
A storm broke out.
Bringing all those familiar rough waves back.
The tide will recede no doubt.
But the ship is battered already.
The last period of patching of the soul.
Let me live.
Please do.
Please.

2005-11-26T17:33:00.000+08:00

For every single memory,
has become a part of me.

Why does wonder fill these spaces.
When i see a image in my dreams?
The image is a mirage.
Of possibilities.
Of hope and of dreams.
I wish it will b the dream.
A dream of possibility.
A possibility of dream.

Hope.

What a booring day today. just stayed at home. But oh wells...i guess that is also because the past few days even wks were q eventful and alive. Like tomorrow too. yup. Lookin forward to it..but nothin seems planned as it stands now. But one thing is for certain..its gonna rock. haha. Right guys? hee. Anyway...yesterdau brought back many wonderful memories and feelings. haha...really happy. hmm. And i guess all contributes to the moving on of one's soul. And it highlights how moving on does not come hand in hand with forsaking. How poignant that point is.Looking forward to tomorrow.Holding on to yesterday.Not for now.For always.Hope.

Here's one of the fav images yesterday brought back to memory...hee..this and the image of pulling ozt's hair lst lst yr...among the fav images...haha

2005-11-25T19:02:00.000+08:00

Oh yes. Woohoo. a very tirin day but thoroughly enjoyed. It was all worth it!!!!! yeah.

Once again...happy birthday kenneth. Woohoo. WIsh u had a fun day today. hehe. And hope u enjoyed the surprise...haha. Surprise! Lol...we tried...lol..n nt too bad huh...hehe.

The meal was good too. haha... my recommendation..marche..well..must treat birthday boy to smthin gd lar....hee..pool was fun too huh? other than the smoky smell of the place n those frustratin attendants...argh. haha...anywayz....great day...great spirit...cheers ken. Many blessing!!!

Go off to nap awhile..hee...zZzzzZzz

2005-11-25T10:33:00.000+08:00

OOh yesh!!!!!

Happy birthday kenneth!!!!

Hee....yesterday was a flurry of calling and msgin online and plannin...oooh my ooh my...but it will all be worth it when later today we celebrate little kenneth's birthday...haha..somebody is seventeen at last!!...hee.

Leave it at that now...hee....tired but the excitement is keepin me running on a high!!!...woohoo...!!!

2005-11-24T22:20:00.000+08:00

Ohh yes!...i am brimming with excitement now. Totally!!!!!..hawhawhaw...omg. Hyperactivekid syndrome. hmm. Today went out shopping with mum. Cool. And oh yes...announcement of the day....hee....To all kakis: Tomorrow is ken's birthday. Alert! Tml is ken's birthday. haha...and we are celebratin tml..so all interested parties..pls call my hse..or sms zt for details..oh yes..wad a wonderful week...full of life. Hmm...even more excited with this than my own birthday which is errr..act nt really excitin for myself one lar...hmm..yesh...*hopping around madly*...hmm

Shall not talk too much...but but but...hope ken will have a great day tml..then it will b worth it...hee=)

2005-11-23T22:03:00.000+08:00

Hee. At last today finished shopping liao. Hmmm. But also officially broke. *claps*...hee. And today's weather is so cool. i love it. Hmm..went out with a few kakis...so fun..just slackin arnd n its cool.

Oh...and rented a vcd to watch. house of fog and sand. hee...yesh..ozt is nw my official vcd renter...lol. hmm. The movie has a few gd things lar..the view of fog upon the horizon was amazing...the acting of ben kingsley is as usual fantastic...hmm..other than tht...the visual impact...emotion impact and plot mystique is totally lacking...even missing at times...omegod...quite a bad movie..my bad choice. Yuck.

The discussion is hot nw huh? About all the effort to pull a tired bt grand ship thru the storms. I shall nt fuel it..and add my useless comments. But i guess...nothing will b great forever...hmm..and of course...effort is always diminishing in utility..where returns always seem fading..not materialistic gains..but satisfaction frm effort...is it being returened to those who invested so much? is the gratitude and effort being resonated. this is all plain to see in everyday activity. You be the judge. hmm...i guess..the shots are called by the heads..bt if the show is to go on..then well...the ppl below gt to echo the cause. As i was tellin one of the ncos...put up a damngood show to make ppl feel it was all worth it...n keep tht effort up. Then maybe...ppl will see the pt in pullin thru when they cld have...can now...or soon jus give it all up. shall wait n see.

As for now...the week has ripped apart...amazingly...hee..love it....ripe of activity and brimming with spirit. Woohoo. Lookin forward to everything. hee.

The silence fill my room.
But people around me are talking.
Yes they are.
But the voice belongs to those away...

Undone.
Silly persistence, wishful dreams.
Oh the river of deafening hopes.
Is lost on the valley of nothingness.
The deaf soul.

2005-11-22T18:38:00.000+08:00

Oh my. Its such a cool season singapore has entered. Am lovin it....just the perfect weather for swims...yeah. Ooh..yes..love swimming in the rain. Hoho...3 swims per wk with 2 tennis sessions...tht shall do the job. Yeah. larlarlar...hmm...

Tomorrow shall go makan n shop with zt...n zy?...hee...zy...wonder hw he did for o levels...shall find out...hee=) Warh...super short of money this week. Santa anybody? hee.

Read an interestin entry frm mr chan. Its been so long. Hmm...and it seems the end is near...so sad. The triumph of an era usually starts the end of another? When u reach the top...the only way to go is down. It is a fact of life. As i was saying..when there is a finishing line to reach...we stumble and drag ourself towards it...and stop. Thats it. If there was no trophy at the end..or even no end..maybe the run would have lasted ...maybe maybe maybe...so many maybes. But who am i to say. I was one of the maybes...haha. larlarlar. Though quite insignificant. As it is...sunset being its glorious spledour will signal the end of a golden era...literally. Maybe..maybe not.

Where do we look after a race.
Forward or back?
What do we do after a task?
To redo more perfectly or take up a new one?
Who do we look for after disappointments?
The same souls or fresh aquaintences?
Which path we take shall lead to our destiny...chosen by you and i alone.

Oh almost paradise...
we're knocking on heaven's doors.
How could we ask for more?

2005-11-21T21:00:00.000+08:00

Ooh....what a windy day...so cool. Just perfect for tennis. And yes...there we were playing tennis..me kenneth and kelvin. Yeah. So fun. once again..i love tennis. Too bad...kenneth doesn't like it as much. Hmm...so i think i shall stop encouraging him to play it. Haha..that have me remembering the sec 2 and sec 3 days...we played bball then. haha..not as sophisticated...and we would play almost everyday lar. haha. Like it was our life...it was like we played the whole afternoon...then upon going home..pick up the phone and call each other to settle the time and location to play the next day or so..haha...so so cool. Those were the days when seemingly...we could throw eveeything else behind and have pure innocent fun...abit like the p4, 5 and 6 days. Hmm...look where we are now...sad....haha..but its okay..the child within us shall live on...and we shall put mature, deep troubles behind us now and then...yes? hee.

This week as i said can b either super eventful or utterly bland. Hmm. Depends on whether we celebrate ken's b'dae on fri...camp out on sat...and go campfire on sunday..and in between go see ac preparation and see those poor ppl sloggin it out. Hehe.

So here i wait....in anticipation of the full glory of the week ahead..laying in ambush...lol.

Colours seem to fade....
But still dreaming of you.
Colours seem to fade.
The courage to say...

Smile...hee.
wow..actually two postings today..one at one am..lol..lalala

2005-11-21T00:11:00.000+08:00

Smile for you.
When you can't.
Even when i can't?

Heh...today is just another normal day. Normal sunday. Go out with mum. Eat. Library. Shop. And omg there is a dkny sale n i cant buy cause i must save. Ooh my god. Like ozt said..wad happened to my free spending ways?!!!!...hee...n while ponderin if i shld go make a killin at the sale n siam all the super despo snatchers at the sale away...n join them!!..haha...someone called my name out loud.Sounded like vanessa...bt cant b wad..she celebratin b'dae..i turn n saw cheryl..bt cant b her..cause i dun know her tht well..so who issit...hai..mystery...lol.

Oohmygod..leo ku gt new mandarin cd..i want i want i want!!!!...larlarlar...santa claus please!!!!!!
Haha. But then again..santa nwadays too busy with gettin into houses with beer to drink..haha..sick of tht advertisement..nearly as sick of it as the tiger one with jessica alba...gosh!...haha...as i was jus tellin ken..i m abit crazy today..so pls pardon my rants..tht reflect my insanity of the moment. Boo!

One thing i learnt frm naruto was this: ppl get thru life by supportin one another. So to the burner of those vcds i reaffirmed this belief frm...pls stick to ur ways of life. Stop feelin sorry for urself. feel sorry for those who tried makin ur life sorry. They r th ones losin out. N u have no reason to join the losers. Woohoo! As i always said..the only people who shld control ur soul n life...are those who really matter..so be careful of makin who matter to u. Once doing so...those outside the circle r enhancers to ur life..bt shld neva distrupt ur soul n life. Once threathening to do so..chuck them out of ur life!!!! Yes. Really..everyday is just a bonu to what we already have which is so much..as i told u..hmm..so so so..inside u shld always be satisfied..ultimately. Does this spring of life and warmth tht is not evident in ur everyday life bt always there nt protect u frm toxic emotions..deep within u. Well...maybe not..especially coming from me...but pls my friend...try harder than lettin urself slip into darkness okay?!!!..yes...we shall do it together...as i said...i will b here ...as many will b...bt u urself need to stand n shake those persistent leaches away frm ur life. Yeah. Stay strong, within.

Smile.
Even when you don't feel like it.
Even when you are crying.
as you smile notonly for urself..but others.
But be sure that your smile lies within you.
And is not a mask you don.
Smile...for you.
And for me. Hee.
SMILE.
=)

2005-11-19T18:13:00.000+08:00

Ooh....had a great day yesterday. Hmm. Vanessa..HAppy birthday! Hee. Ooh man..i am already craving for the next serving of haegen dazz. Oohmy.

Today woke up sooo early for the TODAY reporters program entry test thingy. Caozzzz. All da way at shenton way. Oh man. Hee...saw kezia there. Cool. Then after the test thingy, met you quan..haha...we digged at the paper..and had lunch with him at asian's kitchen...this time the food tasted better...haha. After that shop a while at citilink...jus a short while..hmm. Bought a nice cd...hee. OOh...and jeffrey archer has a great new book. The master is back!!!...How true. Can somebody go buy it and lend me? Haha.

Next week...hmm...can vary alot..depends how it is taken up. Shall anticipate it still. Hmm.

It could have been so different.

I wished i hadd a mirror at that moment.

Where moments after moments of silence fell between us.

The same spaces where chatter and laughter filled has been taken up.

But if i had another chance...will the same path be taken?

Even the birds still sing their faithful song.

Your beauty lies within you.

Look in the mirror.

You.

2005-11-17T22:15:00.000+08:00

Cool. Today was suppose to be complete rotting session at home. But hah! Went out for lunch with zy. Yeah!!! So cool.

Zt: Ehh, u at home neva go out arh?

Me: Yar, actually gt piano lesson bt cancelled. What's up?

Zt: no, ask you go out for lunch.

Wd: ok lor. Where?

Zt: Jumbo lor. I only gt 2 hr break.

And there i went...to lunch with my buddy mr zt...yeah. Hehe...bt obviously nt at jumbo..yuck..the food there sux. Clemeti. Mix up. But oh wells, we being so chum chums...obviously wont tiff over location mix up lar..duhhhh!

Anyway...tml is van's b'dae... yeah....bought gift liao...heng arh...haha...steamboat again...wads new huh? Yup. Gonna smuggle in drinks huh van?..hee.

Ooh...n tml mr lau gonna treat us to marche too!!!..woohoo!!..rox lar.
Dexter rox. Wads new? Yet again. haha.

Fury of events coming up. Tml. Essay comp on sat. Tennis, piano, movie marathon, n kenneth's birthday nxt week!!!...n nt to mention annual camp. Ohmegosh. Cool. Then after tht...off to hk!!!..woohoo.

So its true..that relaxation of your soul of fulfillment of your being allows no disturbances to distrupt your balance of life. Absolutely no way. Yeah.

Peace.
Fulfillment.
Pace.
Wonder.

the gloom trys to snuff out the light.
But hey!
There is gloom only where there is no light.
But even when gloom persists...light remains?
Hee=)
Looking forward to everything.

2005-11-16T22:01:00.000+08:00

Where have you been all this while?
Searching in the wilderness for freedom.
For love and for joy.
Among the fields of barley you say:
i have found nothing but these grains of gold.
Maybe, it was these grains you seeked in the first place.
Or just maybe your search objective has changed.
Are you now satisfied the running wind whistles to you.

Yes...well, yes...maybe not.

Hmm. Sleepy days. Sleep eat sleep eat sleep eat. Other than that, its books, vcds...and yes..tennis!!!! Haha...tennis again today with elaine. Well...it was hot..but still..not too bad..quite fun. Hmm. Shall not let events hang around and suck away my spirit. Hmm. Tomorrow suppose to b piano with cheryl...but oh wells...cancelled..so its ok..slacking yet again. hmm.

As for you who is lost in the darkness, you are not alone. On the other end of the room, i hold my hand out for you. i am equally lost. But i guess the support of the lingering hand will be helpful. Wheeeee.

As for destroyers of my soul, you are forgiven. But what is there to forgive when no crime is commited? Indeed. all you did was put your own soul to doubt. And left yourself in a pit of random prosecution. Yes, i wish i could help you out of the pit but only you can control your chracter and your fate...and whatsmore...the doubt of the show that has abruptly ended still sneakily creeps into my bones. Pushing you and the horrid feeling you reaquainted me with away. the smeel of rotting soul is putting me off. And i shall stay clear.

To those who are free, hee, i am too. LOL. Hmm. Yep. And oh yar...bon voyage kenneth. Will miss your company for 4 days. Lol...one less protector of my soul in singapore for half a week n of course one less movie kakhi...oh..n u shall b back in time for ur b'dae celebration..yeah...cant wait..hee...ooh yesh.

Take a little piece of my heart...

2005-11-15T22:38:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh.
A peaceful day split apart.
Ruthlessly.
Like a blunt blow to my nerves numbing all senses.
What should i feel?
You tell me.
Sad?
Guilty?
Disappointed?
Angry?
Wronged?

I guess i am just lost.

This feeling is not one that inclines you to search for a direction.
It is one where you just give up.
Sit there and just stare into space, wondering what have it been?
This is a familiar feeling.
One where you seem to have compromised so much.
Not for yourself.
Where you seem to have gave alot.
And feel as if there was a mutual peace and concern.
Then, all of a sudden, break of the peace and serenity.
They tell you that you have been a unappreciative freak.
Appreciative? Un? Of what?
Apologies? For what? As if i had done anything? It is bothering on abosolute insane talk here.
Where emotions and tirades of words fall between.
Its not one incident.
But it puts to claim everything that has happened between people.
It makes you feel as if your dealings and relationship with another person was all just a blank.
As if..everything was a masquerade.
As someone stole your role.
And changed the script.
Where all along you thought you were julius.
Suddenly you are told no!!!.You are brutus!!! The murderer of your role!
What a farce!

Looking at it...after a seemingly eternity of ten minutes.
I wonder...was it fair for me to receive those comments.
Have i regonised an angel for a devil?
No.
Then why is such regret and disturbance brought into your life for no rhyme and reason.

Lesson learnt.
The mouth really is the most hurtful weapon you possese.
Keep your comments to yourself.
And reflect if they are fair remarks.
The you speak.
For you have brought back in my life a pain, a scar.
And yes, i hate you for that.
But i am confused.
How can love and concern changed to hate?
Of course it will pass.
But it has caused some doubts and hurt.
For some irresponsible thoughtless remarks can really hurt.
Yes it can.
Oh shut out the noices from past and present voices...

2005-11-14T20:48:00.000+08:00

Oh yes. Tennis today was so super fun. Hmm. Although cs wasn't altogether too happy and didnt join in. But oh wells, everyone has their bad days and unhappy days...so well...get over it cs n b ur normal happy forgivin self k? Hmm. Yar...kenneth me kelvin n elaine..so much fun. And for the record, me and elaine won the match...yeah!!!!...haha.

After that helped des with her tennis and gp. Both of which im nt too sure i am fit to help ppl with. haha. Wow. Surprisingly humble version of me. Hee.

Ooh. Man. i changed my fav skin to this new skin.
And therefore have a new fav skin which is this. haha. Love it. Hmm. Totally my style. Yep.
But but but, it only fits with classy english songs...really sleek kind. So have to find hard to get a chi song tht fits it. Yup. Hee.

OOh. As of tomorrow...since blogging has been more or less the same affair, i shall explain the song in the background. Haiz. So bo liao right? Haha..but as all certain ppl know..music is really my life huh? hee.

This first song on my new skin is queen btw. It's a hard life. I love queen.
This song starts with a line from the pagliacci opera vesti la gibba.
*wads tht?*
Haha.
anyway...queen helped me thru the early sec 3 years where thier greatest hits platinum with its 3 cds seemingly numbed the lost somehow.
Yup. Love the soul.
Love the lyrics.
How it is rocking in style blending with classical and ballad...omg.
So sleek.
so smooth.
Hee.

It is a tricky situation.
I've only got myself to blame.
It is a standard fact of life.
It happens to everyone.
You win, you lose...

And you look back at your suffered self and say...
I did it for love.

2005-11-13T22:16:00.000+08:00

As usual...today is the typical family day where me and mum will be hanging out at taka eating and shopping. Argh...and i just missed out on brokeback moutain at orchard again. The book i mean. Must get it when it is returned. So near yet so far. Larlarlar.

Tomorrow shall be playing tennis. Wheeeeeee! So fun. I love tennis. Hee.

Jealousy.
A toxic emotion.
The worse form comes in red.
Dark crimson red.
No root causes can be found.
Only a subtle trace of its origin.
Money they say is the root of evil.
But really jealousy is the true evil.
Where it makes you want everything you love.
So is it also true that love is the root of jealousy?
And thus love is also the root of all evil?
All being the encompassing term for your everything.
You know it is no good.
But still, it seems to overwhelm it.
And this is the moment where your true humanity must shine through.
Where all your values is put to the test.
Of jealousy.
For those that you truly treasure will you only be jealous of.
And only those will you care.
So will your your jealousy or love prevail?
For the same target.
Two extreme emotions.
Different paths.
Varying results.
Common objective.

For jealousy unknowingly started the fire.

But love sustained the blaze.

For now on...

Only care to shout out to the world.

Where no walls surround you.

And do not expect an echo.

Maybe, just maybe, that was meant to be from the start...

2005-11-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

Splat!
Crimson flood.
Pool of blood.
Beg.
Begging for mercy.
Spare me the fear.
Just mete out the punishment.
Spare me the pain.
Just give me the truth.
Splat.
Crystal clear.
Awaking from a deep slumber.
Since that fateful spetember.

The knife.
The murderer.
Has merged into one.
Under my pillow.
Only to be my companion.
After the truth.
After the pain.
i accept the truth.
And now, even the pain.
I shall not let it happen.
Bend my principles.
But my values forbid me to throw that weapon out.
Out of my life.

Today was so fun. Albeit the campcraft training was super....boring...and frustrating. Decided i will not go back in the short term. Waste my time seh. Hmm. Bought gift. Went out with ken zt n marvin...hmm..So cool. Fun. Hmm..watched sky high. A no brainer lam till u laugh show. Hmm. But oh wells, something gained at least. Someone said this: a movie may be bad, but if it triggered off useful thoughts, it was worthwhile. So true. Thoughts. Hmm.

Looking forward to tml n mon. Mon tennis n movie with friends. Tml family day! Yeah. Fun. Casual. Relaxed. Incomplete. Satisfied still. Hah!

Eskimo.
Warmth.
Cold.
Look.
All dressed up with you...

2005-11-11T22:25:00.000+08:00

Boring day. Just slept till v late....which is how rare...watched 5 vcds...omg....n read sheldon. Realised that i no longer like sheldon's books that much...although iprobably read all his books already. Passed that stage..and look forward to more deep in impact books. Those that deal with deeper emotions other than vague sense of fear love and drama. Something more realistic.

Anyway. Tomorrow, shall b gg out with ken n zt...yeah!!!...now now..that some seemed to have got lost long the way...shall go out more often with this 2 v close ones frm np. Hee. Hmm. Maybe can watch a movie guys? Yeah.

So...shall look forward to tomorrow. Today the evening sky looked peaceful and nice. Wonder how it looked from your view.

2005-11-10T22:25:00.000+08:00

When somebody loved me,
everything was beautiful...

Read mr chan's blog...haha..n revisited the side of certain ppl where seemingly position n power was everything. Where ppl lose focus and really do not know what was important. I remembered the events that occured quite long ago. Remember those days we had during the campcraft competition? Hmm...where certain people lost track of what really were we striving for? Regonition that we were contributing to the unit? Success in our cca? A nice record to back us up? Hmm. I don't know. Well...at least at the end of the day it was one big happy ending. We won. Yes. But really, the wonder is not that we won, but the journey? Hmm. Those moments i really wondered, why did i join at the last moment when approached? Why i did not tell my mum as it was the o level year already and choose to wash my own soil laden clothes just for this competition. Haha. Success? I had enough of that rubbish talk. Had enough of that since the BUC crappy talk. All that tension for it. Worth it? In fact now, that i have chosen to irresponsibly back out CI ship...i start to realise fully the extent to many things. Many things that seemed like it was everything, at that time, the unit, now seem a distant picture. Always hung in a brightly lighted spot, but no longer will i fall asleep looking at its haunting image. Many other things faced the same fate. Where they mattered, in fact mattered too much in the past, where they took priority over oneself but no longer dominate our soul. Where we still once in a while, just for a slight moment, dreamily imagine the picture and drift away. Your soul. It really should return to where it belongs. Your own depths of being. But of course it will never leave no trace and just fade into oblivion. Some people can allow that to happen. Some can't. Who is the more fortunate? The People who forget or those who don't. That is never certain. And also depends on what you are considering. All that matters at the end of the day is really not happiness. But what made up your soul and who's soul you made up. If you can really thow it all away, then where is your soul? i can't, but still, where is my soul too! Hah!...What irony.

When somebody loved me,
everything was beautiful.
Beautiful still.
What about you?
Do you now start to understand what is love and what is beautiful?
Or have those traps of thought and distorted way of thinking and life stolen your soul.
I wish not.
The picture must always be beautiful.
To do that.
Ignore the blemishes, and cherish the wonder.
Keep the picture in the depths of your being, with your soul.

When somebody loved me.
Everything...
Everything?

2005-11-10T00:58:00.000+08:00

Whats new but pw. Yes. Our webpage is done and complete. Gotto thank pw for teaching me how to set up a webpage. Hawhawhaw.

Other than that i guess, i shall have the discipline to not blog anything now...and just go rest and prepare for pw tml. Yes. I think we are prepared for it. Hohoho. Hmm.

For now...let my song speak for me.

That is only if you understand the lyrics.
Hah...sometimes the most powerful barrier is not the language. In the first place the soul...2 person listening to the saem song...can feel totally different things.
And even if they do not know the lyrics..sometimes the same emotions overwhelm them.
The magic of music.
Magic of your soul.

2005-11-08T21:45:00.000+08:00

Loneliness is nothing with strength.
Only weak people die in times of loneliness.
If tears are signs of weakness,
i will die now.
But no, i am surviving.
Because of faith.
Hawhawhaw.
If you still havent figured out what that is, 'hawhawhaw' is muffled laughter in pain...done to prevent you, yes you, from finding out.

Pwpwpwpwpwpwpwpw. Woohoo. Really crazy ride this pw assignment has been. Hmm. But even our webpage is almost done...what else can stop us?!!!...haha. *smug smile*...and we even had time to shop a little while at ikea...soo nice!!!!....Hmm..other than that...basically nothing else happened. Other than me deciding to cancel a dinner n movie trip myself!..oh me gosh. iWould have jumped at it anytime. But...today was so tiring..and i knew zt wld nt b free anyway. So sorry ken for nt callin u earlier. Oh wells. Me and my tiresome apologies and gratitude. Even i m gettin sick of it. Woo.

Lately i've been running on faith.
In fact, always have been huh?
Always will?

2005-11-07T11:48:00.000+08:00

Regrets.
Lost.
Satisfaction.
Within.
Regrets and satisfaction.
Lost within.

Woke up so awfully late today cause did pw till quite late ystd. Ohmegosh. And needless to say, we will be meeting to do pw today too. All da way till night again i think. So i don't think i will be blogging till tml morning so here i am. Hee.

Anyway the feeling now is soo weird yet reminscing. Of what? Of the past. That feeling is like have drowned yourself with a bottle of alcholic before gulping down a hot hot mug of ginger beer to prevent a hangover later on. Wooooooohooo! Can you imagine? Hmm. Yes...its just like a virtual high you get somehow suddenly being suppressed by reality and of course some other emotions and your logical mind. So...it all depends on whether the ginger beer or alchoholic drink was stronger. Which do your body respond better too. Needless to say, the inger beer for me works so much more effectively. But somehow, the alchohol seems too attractive to let go off.

So here i am preparing to go off for pw. Yeah. And ok, i shall stop wishin ppl luck for their pw since it reminds them of smthin they dun want to rember..hawhaw..so yes...PWPWPWPWPW!

I want to watch movies. OZt n kenneth!! Hmm..yeap..after the pw season...and also lunch apptments with 123456789...........ppl. haha. Lookin forward to the spinning off moments of this months.

Drug me.
Wake me.
Bring me down.
Raise me up.

"It turned dark. He went on lying there even though he was cold now;as if he could somehow shiver away his being with her, pursuing her, struggling conceitedly to win her these past months, the way you sweat out an illness."---Flights of love, girl with lizard(Bernhard Schlink)

Finally he got up and swam a few laps.

Will he really swim.
Or just move about in circles.
Finally only to drown.
Drown.
With no one there to see him.
Or save him.

2005-11-06T18:53:00.000+08:00

Amicitia...
Soar.
Soar above those clouds.
Where freedom reigns.
Where no strings are attached to your soul.

Sunday. Just walked around in orchard lar...and oh yes...at last there is a decent foodcourt in singapore. Wisma atria's food repulblic. Although the name seems a bid to please the authorities...haha...but its not too bad, as compared to other food courts which are 99% horrendous. Argh.

Pw season is at its bloom time. Omegosh. The amount of work that needs to be done seems to be endless especially if you are aiming for perfection. The only way to survive this is to try to have fun out of it. WHich my group is doing. Hah!...so i guess we will survive. Yes we will. Hope the rest of the ppl will survive too. Hee.

Don't turn out the lights.
Amicitia.
Keep it burning.
Sparkle the night with that splendid soul.
Cast away those disturbed perceptions.
Walk on...

2005-11-06T01:00:00.000+08:00

Pleasures.
Wonders.
Monuments.

Ecstasy.
Splendour.
Awe.

I lay here in ecstasy, in awe...of this full splendour.
How simple how sweet.
How innocent how deep.

Delightful day today. Woke up early n went to meet ken at nt to go kaipo kaipo campcraft. Hmm. Hah. Not surprisingly, kenneth was late. Haha...and he came up with excuses n blamed the bus....and amazingly i believed him. Haha. It really does not matter to wait. Nethier does it matter that that was just jest. Hah...pun unintended. Anyway, we had fun laughing at the misery of the cc ppl struggling to set up their stuff although given twenty minutes. Hmm...but its only thier fourth training right? So well...we shall see if they will keep up our unit's good name.

After that went for lunch with kenneth at tiong. ANd bought gifts lar. One of the more delightful lunches i've had in a long long time. Hmm. Just me me me...and just a relaxed kind of easiness and fun lar. No need for activities or wadever...just plain chattin and stoning. Hah! Although a movie would have made it better...haha. So many good movies. Shall catch them soon. Yes zt, ken? Hee. Hmm.

Anyway, after that had to do pw. Yeah. Q fun...although not v effcient. Hah. Li ann me n peiyi were like lauging n jus wasting our time together lar. And did some work too though. Lol...so fun. Pw is not that bad yar? Yes. Absolutely alright i think. Maybe our group is just fun. Hah. Surprising considering i m in it. Lol. The serious guy.hehe.

Tomorrow will just be staying at home to finish up presentation slides and finish the web design lar. Hmm. As for tonight, i shall sleep very well. A well spent day, thoroughly enjoyed, really puts peace to your soul. And fill it to the brim with plain contentment, that life, simple, and cherished can be so splendid, and just easily wonderful. No exclamation, but plain fulfillment.

Putting away the uptightness.
Letting free my soul.

Contentment.
Splendid.
Crystal clear.

Simple.
Wonder.
Direction.

I think i saw a glimpse.
A glimpse of wonder.
Finally some of the simple wonder of life has rubbed onto me.
The blessing of the joy of life has just begun. Do not let it stop.
But at least, i tasted the nectar.
Always will?

2005-11-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

If we ever lost our way,
the waves will catch us to

Once again.
Here i stand.
Before everything.
Resisting the waves.
So tired.
So stubborn.
Dreaming that with my faith.
The tide will change.
It will...

2005-11-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

Thank you chi siang kez (and elaine too issit?). Yar..thanks for the dvd...i will love that movie for sure. Yeah.

Tommorow cant go n play table tennis with u all lar. I gg out with someone with a long lunch break. Lol. Hee.

So its been finalised. That one shall fulfill rather than all. That way...eternity will be everlasting. Hah!

Simple words. But still, you do not understand.

The song of the night.
Bearing down on you.
On me.

2005-11-03T14:26:00.000+08:00

Do you see the fear in me?

As if all that confidence was a show.

Where it seems my heart would break.

At the slightest touch.

Where an embrace would seemingly keep everything together.

Seems.

Everything.

2005-11-03T14:10:00.000+08:00

Dates.
Marks.
When the past seem a dream.
Do we still keep note of them
Then we live each day like it was the first.
Or last?

Yesterday was just going out with mum. Yeah. And i got gifts. So cool. Angbao too. Woooooohooo. Anywayz...fast forward to dinner. We had dinner at ghim moh...thts like hw stunning. Once in a blue moon we will eat zhu chao outside one. No aircon dinners r so rare lar. Hmm. Ghim moh. Hah. The moonlight there stopped shining on me. As if i had concelaed it with clouds once. Sososo...i decided to leve it alone. For now. Till the clouds decide to part. Bought jay chou's album. Q cool. But must listen with headphones...good ones...to notice its full splendour..if blast frm speakers..wont b half as nice. Some of the songs...though not fresh...has a new soulful element to it. Cool. But weird. When we bought the first jay album, i was sure there wasnt this amnt of fans n interest. How people love to hop onto the bandwagon n join in the trend. When there wasnt one in the first place. Hah!

I sing a song.
A song for the end of my love.
Jay sings.
I feel.
Tragedy.
The tears wont flow no more.
No more.
Still...
still...
sti...

2005-11-02T00:42:00.000+08:00

2 NOV 1988 Computer virus strikes Pentagon, SDI research lab & 6 universities

My birthday today. No exclamation. No yelps. Hmm...nt too long back from funeral of a family friend's grandma. And it cant help but make me feel that my joy and whatever hopes i have is so insignificant to the sorrow experienced by others and that moment of abrupt ending. Well...and since i guess i will spend tml night at the wake as well...so here i am blogging in these wee hours. Yup. And since my parents sort of forgot...so i guess...shhhh...let's not say anything...and then all the superstitions of gg to a funeral on a birthday start. Hah. What irony and haze.

Tomorrow i think i will b gg out for a little while with cs kez des elaine. Hmm. And elaine and i share the same birthday!!!!....Happy birthday elaine!...yeah. So yup. Tht shall round up my birthday happenings. Which is not really important u see. As everyday makes up 364 days rather than tht one birthday...right? Wrong. So wrong. Some ppl jus dun see the pt. And i shant impose my own views on u. So live ur way. Hope u see the light...nt 4 me...bt 4 urself. Yup.

For now, jus immersing myself in the musical bliss of this fantastic album called Piano love songs compiled by warner. Thanks guys once again for such a my taste album. Hah!

No philosophies.
No complications.
Just plain disappointment.
Plain nothingness.
Covered over by a thin layer of joy.
And drowned in a flood of thankfulness.

2005-11-01T18:59:00.000+08:00

1 NOV 1894 Vaccine for diphtheria announced by Dr Roux of Paris

Hope. Refreshing spring.
Thirst. Lustful urge to drink.
The spring of life.

Hah. My birthday eve and i spent the day out with my kakis. Yeah. So cool. The bunch of people whom i just sit there and be me. Happy sad crazy erratic me. No masquerade of emotions. Thank guys for the gift. I wont wear the shirt. Cant afford to have it stained or something can i? The cd is so super nice. Hoho. My taste..ozt is finally gettin it. The lunch was ohmygodnessly filling lar. I think 6 or 7 dishes. Omg. I shant say much. More than words.

Gifts. Things you treasure. Different people view them differently. Also depending on who gave it lar. Like i was blaming someone for not using my gift long ago. When i got a similar gift i too didnt use it...haha...u cannot bear to have it spoilt. So weird. Gifts if not to be used, what are they for. Symbols. Symbols of life. Certain disappointments yes. From certain people. But the joy shall put that away for now. Hah! Thanks guys. Tomorrow i think also will be going out? For a short while before gg back home. For lunch with another bunch of friends. Yeah.

Home.

Wishes. Life. Dreams.
Satisfaction.
Regrets.
Home.
Everlasting love.
Insignificant obsession.

Thank you.

2005-10-31T17:21:00.000+08:00

31 OCT 1988 Journalists demand greater press freedom in Yugoslavia

Hopes. Wishes. Dreams.
Action. Waiting. Faith.
How many will be fulfilled?
How many will be done?
Destiny or fate?
Fate or will?

Hah. Today was chinese Ao. Hope can get an A lar. Hmm. After that went home but practically immdedaitely went back out to meet kez n cs for lunch. Milkshake was yummy. Slurrrp. Hmmm..bought elaine's gift too. So cool. Haiya...forgot got campcraft....or rather...remember but don't wanna appear too busybody...so never go back see see. hmm.
Class having halloween party but here i am wasting my life away? What is the problem with you? Anti social? hah!

As i have been constantly reminded this few days, my birthday is coming. No. I am not trying to hint for gifts. I am not that desperate. But was talking with kez n cs about this funny occurence with birthdays. That every year, on every of you birthdays, there will be certain people you expect gifts from, certain you wish you will get gifts from and certain u did not expect to receive gifts from. And when you recieve gifts from people u dun expect to receive from, u are obviously pleasantly surprised. It helps brighten up ur day a little more. Then the select group you wish and ecpect gifts from, one or two of them everytime will happen to forget or just not bother. Then, very naturally, your whole joy bubble deflates. Your whole day becomes gloomy. This shows the side of us where we expect what we want to the max. WHat we did not expect but got would not help cover up the sadness the loss caused. Last year it happened. The year before last too. The year before last last year too. I wonder will it happen this year. The gift itself is really not impirtant. I know this sounds cliche, but really it is the heart that counts. But sometimes, something so simple cant be fulfilled. I was a culprit too. i understand why it happens. But never seem to be able to let it pass...for that moment. Hah!

Pondering who falls into which group.
How do you deal with disappointments?
Those that deal with the soul.
Embrace yourself in anticipation of it.

*Deep in thought*

2005-10-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

30 OCT 1930 Turkey & Greece sign a treaty of friendship

Friendship.
Does it need a treaty.
What what irony.
Treaty of frienship.
A mockery of freinship indeed.
Once upon a time,
two friends talked about the essense of communication.
More than words.
That was the conclusion.
That was the result.
Where no words came through anymore.
Whether there was something more,
remains to be seen.
Conflicting views.
Common conclusion.
Disastrous match.
Disappointing result.
Lost significance.

Argh. A whole day of slacking today again. Argh. Candice called to ask if i was going for to go for the class halloween party. Hmm. i said think first. And decided no. Hmm...why she asked. I wonder. Why?

Anyway, today read this very interesting chinese story by bing xin which andeous jokingly translated as ice heart. Hah! It was about beauty. 3 kinds of beauty generally. The first is the kind that will take your breath away at the first sight and then slowly fade into ugliness. Usually such beauty is possesed by ppl who are beautiful but whom have poor taste, ungraceful behaviour and bad character. The second kind are those who are ugly but slowly show their beautiful side. These people are usually dressed simply and plain looking. However they have immense character, beautiful manners, and is a spark of the human spirit. They slowly show their beauty. The third kind are those who take away your breath at the first sight and sustain that impact all the time. Where they take the best of both of the previously mentioned beauty. Where they are beautiful yet have that spark within them. For different people there are different sparks that they term beauty. And usually we only have the fortune of knowing such beauty once or twice in our lifetime. Maybe not even once.

Have you?
If so, what have you done about it?
Beauty usually is best left untouched.
Hah.
Indeed, in the eyes of the beholder, lies true beauty.
Not external.
But that spark.

2005-10-29T20:52:00.000+08:00

29 Oct 1923 Turkey proclaimed a republic (National Day)

A whole new start.
Times come and Go.
It has passed.
Like so many other things.
Maybe they will come back and haunt like lost spirits.
For now, i hold my soul, and breath...
A brand new start.
A new era.

A boring day definetly. Just staying at home and doing nothing. Watched one lousy movie with a good name. White dandelion. Flowers make nice names. But my favourite is still crimson naricissus. Oh yes. How sinful. Monday is ao chinese, and i am not studying. Not thinking about appeal anymore. Oh..and i forgot to announce that yes, school is over. But poly school starts. So a few friends cant go out liao. Boo. And i just realised i share the same birthday as elaine. So stunning.

And oh yar!!!! PPL. Come fun-o-rama, the acjc funfair. Its in feb. I promise it will be a wild event. WIth our class involved being the best guarantee. Haha. Yup. And if possible, buy tic frm me lar. Yep.

That's it for today. the season of joy is suppose to be kicking off soon. For nw the joy is not seeping in yet. Yet.

A start of an era.
The last era passing by was a sad one.
This shall be a happier phase though.
Hopefully, you will walk with me in this jouney in the new era too.
You you you you and you.
Walk with me.
Every step of the way.

2005-10-28T13:37:00.000+08:00

28 OCT 1790 New York gives up claims to Vermont for $30,000

Give and take.
Perfection is just too tiring.
We leave behind what we gave lower priority to.
Or maybe, sometimes, we were not given the choice.
Maybe, we gained something in return.
But what we got back seem to be so insignificant, compared to what could have been.

It was the hardest walk home from school today. I felt like just collapsing on the floor and crawl back. Ignore the looks of disbelief and just allow your fatigued soul to throw its tantrums fullheartedly. But pride prevented me from doing so. The reason beihind this loserish spirit? I don't know. And gurmit singh is going to give me 3 demerit points for no having a cca. Does he seriously think i care? For a moment i considered giving him a piece of my mind. Does he think a person who has a cca and do not go, or goes with no dedication is really better off? Why should i not spend my time writing for the newspaper attachment instead? Why should i not go use that time to go teach some slavation army kids instead. Makes no sense. Just like so many things in this instituitiuon i am at now. Kapoo mentality.

Chinese AO coming. Seriously, i think an A is easily reached without studying? Or maybe i am underestimating it. Then end up seeing a B next year and start regretting. But really, other things are on my mind more than a mere Ao exam that in the first place does not count in university entry. Hah! Pw is gonna be intensive. And i guess it will be kinda pitiful if i gotto do pw on my birthday period which probably will be inevitable. Maybe at night i shall go to the beach and celebrate myself then. Hah! HAh! hah!

Why don't you take my heart.
And break it into a million pieces.
Do not leave it hanging there torn apart yet attached in a piece.
The lingering is killing me.
Just throw it all behind.

Save me please.
i am begging you.
Please.

*words of a egoistic confident loser*
Ironic? Contradicting? Hah!

2005-10-27T19:23:00.000+08:00

27 OCT 1959 Rare Pacific hurricane kills 2,000 in Western Mexico

Storms. Disasters. Ravages.
Thrown about mercilessly.
The scene of distruction after endless blows.
Survivors: None.
Casualty: Infinite.

The appeal went alright. I guess mr heng was rather convinced with my case. And of course all thanks to mr lau for putting in a good word. Am grateful for any help towards that cause of mine. Hopes of s paper long gone. Expectations long forsaken. Disappointment already reigning. I guess all the talk of a possible s paper opportunity was just words to surround myself with illusions. Keep your 4 subjects before you talk dreamer!!!

November proves to be a hard journey to go thorugh. Carrying the burdens of yesterday and sorrows of everlasting towards endless commitments.

A pool of bitter sorrow is welling up inside the walls of this soul. Drowning whatever emotions that may enter this whirpool of pain. If you think its just a scar caused by disapponitments that you see, you are wrong. So do not touch the drops of poison seeping from my pores. Unless, you ar immune to the toxic of life. All apologies.

Bleed me dry.
And end the senseless sorrows.
Take away the burden of All past regrets.
So freshly awaken by the latest storm.

Please save me.
I am begging you.
Please.

2005-10-26T14:46:00.000+08:00

26 OCT 1868 White terrorists kill several blacks in St Bernard Parish La

The verdict is out. Who is to be retained and who is to keep four subjects and who is to keep their 3 subjects and adjourn to J2 has been determined. Promotion was long assured for me. But worries were justified after Mr. lau confirmed who was Mr. Disappointing. Yes, its me! Haiz...yes...indeed, how disappointing was it, that i was asked to drop one subj...when my grades made the mark!!...Hmm..But apparently, kind dexter said that he will fight for my cause...so thank goodness. Still, how disappointing can it be. I feel as if i cannot take anymore setbacks these days. One more, and that's it, i will be blown away. In this process of disappointment and hope, i try looking around me and see friends who need more consoling than myself. Friends who want to but definetly won't be able to keep four subjects. A classmate who got retained. How cruel it is. Where, yes, different treaments have been meted out. Deservingly or not, well, you judge.

Days of sorrow, days of worries. Someone just take them all away. And wishfully, all troubles and regret wash themselves away. Somebody save me from this madnesss. Just take me away...

Discrimination.
Colour. Race. Looks. Intelligence. Grace.

Soul. Me. You. Judge.

2005-10-25T14:48:00.000+08:00

25 OCT AD 625 Boniface V ends his reign as Catholic Pope

The end of an era. Start of another. A door of happiness closing often leads to another opening? Where is that door? Lead me to it...

A person once so totally obsessed with his CCA has been termed CCA less....oh how have the fortunes changed. Or maybe not. Its just what's left in the soul. Whether or not there will be strength to take on something that seemingly will absorb every bit of your being. No. Definetly not. Not another time soon. For now, however much crap mr gurmit singh says...i will not be dedicating myself to a CCA, even if i join one, it will be oh so...superficial!!!

Dark cloudy day today. Does the whether affect your mood? Maybe your mood affects the weather too. Where, you can be so happy till rain pelts down becomes blessing or sad tilll sunshine becomes dreaded rays of torture. The soul determines your surroundings huh?Last time this year..yes around this time...it started to rain oh so heavily. The sky practically fell on me. Do you remember that storm and that rain? How madness stopped and ended the crazy foolish handing over of my whole soul, and everything returned back to me. But somehow, it was changed, forever. A new era started. The past reign has scared the landscapes forver and ever...

The colours of the rainbow
So pretty in the sky
I also one the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying:
How do you do
They're really saying I,
I love you

Oh somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dare to
Why oh why can't i

2005-10-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

I have enclosed myself in cloaks after cloaks of disguise. It seems the my closest and even myself do not even know me.

Went back to newtown today. To teach campcraft to juniors lar. At first they were like..ok..i know u once..bt nw no longer know you. But it got better n better. And i guess..it was rather rewarding at the end of it all. Then i was wondering...it could have been so different. If if i f my decision lst november had gone one way instead of the other. And fulfilling my dream rather than not. But its over over. So i guess no point retracing those steps. After leaving there was this new view to things. That it was not everything..far from it. It used to be seemingly everything. Scary thot, something being all there was. But no, in fact its not. That was that.

Haiyo. Kenneth. Why only after a level chinese then can watch movie. Never mind. I shall wait then. Oh...zt!!!..when are we gg to watch election?!!!...hmm...Soon k? Hmm...n yarh...shop for my jacket for cold cold ac lecture halls. Hawhaw.

Fil in the answers.
Sing my song for me.
Ask my questions.
Write my story.
Give my blessings.
Take over my life.
Please.
Please do.

2005-10-24T12:41:00.000+08:00

24 OCT 1964--- Zambia (N Rhodesia) gains independence from Britain (National Day)

Peace awaits. Solidarity pushes. Freedom is everywhere. Memories long forgotten. Silence is starkingly prevalent. The world is empty of emotion. No tears are shed. Not that they are not worth sheding. Just that there really should be no tears in heaven. Just that we all cannot bear to allow others to see them. Then where do the tears go? And why do they exists?

Argh...vanessa ask me go back nt today to teach campcraft. I am so lousy lar!!!...omegod. Only good at crticising, not good at doing...wadsmore...teach!!!..haha...we shall see hw it goes. Hmm..other than that, i expect it to be quite a boring day. Yup.

Really nothing to say, blog. Emptiness shall fill these spaces to the brim. Till nothing can fit in.

"sorry, it's the best i can do. the story is yours.--paul"

2005-10-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

No...if you are wondering if i am trying to hurt you, no i am not. How can i be? Then i would be hurting myself. No, you do not know me. Like maybe how i do not know you. It seems, all this is lost in translation. It's just me having lost, do not want to lose. It seems i want to know everything, when actually i know too little. As it's bread and butter for me while it's just another snack for you. Yes, its essential for me yet it's just superficial for you. Yes, it's sad you do not know who are you. Like how i do not seem to know who i am.

Yes...maybe you are starting to get it...its all about you.

2005-10-22T21:25:00.000+08:00

What you said yesterday was a fairytale.
Today you told me a horror story.
And now...it all seem to be just fantasy.

Today had a break from the disappointment of the promos results. Went out with mr. ozt...*claps*...at last someone is gg out with me huh? As if so unwilling. But no lar...i know he's dying to go out with me...haha...Choke choke*...anywayz...we went for a lazy delicious breakfast...be4 gg for a movie....so nice. The movie was horrid...but who cares. Movies are just for company rite?...No? We had so much fun didnt we zt...hee!...of n we went back to see campcraft earlier in the day. We the champions...n these r all our remains?...hmm...im nt too sure...bt it seems there is stuff to b done? I shall go back n kaypo nw n then...hmm.

Flightplan only showed one very good reflection. The perception of things. Like hw ppl looked at the arabs on the plane with a dyed perception. And hw ppl thot jodie foster was mad. Both of which were wrong...bt they were more than willing to accept. Imagine...if u were sure somthing was right...n insisted with it...bt everyone arnd u insisted other wise...n told u so. Would u change ur believes?

Understand. Words. Complete.

2005-10-21T12:35:00.000+08:00

When we were tall,
And chirstmas trees were tall.
We used to love,
while others used to play.
Don't ask me why,
The times has passed us by.
Someone else moved in;
from far away...

The results are back. But Ac has this system apparently. They make everyone screw their papers up....then moderate by ghastly amounts, not unlike top secondary schools i suppose. But then...we r not top remember...so why do this!!! So officially, the grades are not known yet. Even Gp gt me disappointed. The only results i was satisfied with, satisfied not happy mind you, were my chinese essay marks and physics paper marks. Even then, they were nt anything to yell about. Yes...so here i am lying in this pool of not blood, but confusiuon. Should i be feeling sad? No...so many of my friends did worse...i feel sorry for their efforts not having been rewarded justly. So should i be feeling happy? Very obviously not. I guess its just a feeling of dissatisfaction, and emptiness. Like how you see a storm come, and after it leaves, you ask yourself...what's the big deal. Its also like chirstmas boxing day...where you open your presents in anticipation and get disappointed as you see someone give you a gift you received from him two years ago. Hah!

So yes. Thank you those people who showed concern. Even just the slightest bit was really helpful. To those who are still waiting for news of moderation to promote, i hope they get their wishes! hmm...

One year. Its already been one year. After the o levels, we now know the feeling of having done and received the promos. One year. What went through your mind. What you held on dearly to. What you tried pushing out of your life.

One year. Have your wishes and dreams changed?
Mine have not. Yours?

The apple tree that grew for u and me.
I watched the apples falling one by one...

I recall,
the moments of them all.

But guess who'll cry, come first of may.
Don't ask me why, the time has passed us by...

i never felt this alone before.
Life, is like a boat.
I can't see the shore.
Everytime i see your face,
the ocean swim up to my heart.

I want you to know who i really am.
Who i really am?
Who you really are?

2005-10-20T21:05:00.000+08:00

Worry.
Sick.
Worried sick.
Sickeningly worried.
Sick because of worry.
Argh!!!...

I love tennis. Must watch movies. But....must see results. So scared i will do like crap. Arghhh. Somebody save me!!!!!Too sick with worry to blog. Shall end here. If i do not appear online tml..u can guess wad happened to me. Lying in a pool of blood, at the bottom of some tall hdb flat...Adios.

Clouds. Life. Wind.
Me.

2005-10-18T20:50:00.000+08:00

What a waste. What a waste.
Not sure about that.
But sure it is, that i have forsaken a dream.
No use thinking i can slavage it.

Hah! Now now...its final. I am a goner. Even Gp teacher hinting as if i did not do well. Show hand. And yes, i have lost all my chips. But well, what's happened happened. If it is set that i am not to do well, then well, too bad huh? S paper dreams long gone. vanished into thin air. Keeping four subjects seem a distant dream. So promotion becomes the priority now i guess. What is the point of conducting exmas if the cnadidates were meant to fail in the first place? I do not know. Maybe we are not good enough. Either that, or the system needs a revamp...that will never come. Haiz.

Went out with friend after school for lunch. Nice lunch. haha. We had dessert before lunch. Weird huh? Waffle ice cream followed by sushi at sushi tei. The sushi were not too frsh...but oh wells. The lunch was thoroughly enjoyed. We talked and talked lar. About school and some other suff. I shall not take a stand as both r my friends. or is that true? Hmm. Well, all i can say is, how can something you treasured so much be thrown away like this. So similar to my own experience. Life....look at it from both sides...and still...u dun really get it huh?

Pw is loaded with tasks liao. Die. Movies shall all be crying out for me with me not acknowledging them. Pw allowed me to understand the use of language lar. However good your linguistic ability, there really is no point if you cannot put a point through. Language is nothing without something to fill its shell. Yup.

As i see people before me part their ways.
i remember.
How can something dear be left behind?
No it cannot.
You are not being wise by leaving the paths as the past.
One day you will look back and hopefully you will redsicover the magic.
Till then, i shall pray and hope.
That as you walk your chosen road.
It will still lead you home.
Although ishall no longer be by your side.
Trying to help you along.
No more.
No more.

2005-10-17T19:45:00.000+08:00

Dreams hopes and loves.
All smudged together painting a picture of soul.
Someone solve the mystery,
of what lies behind these blend of colours,
and unveil the key...

Hah. Today school was just slacking slacking slacking. So cool. Early dismiss somemore. But heard some bad news. Only 30 % passed physics. And when the chem answers and econs answers were revealed, i was so sure i wont do well. i do not know if im paranoid lar....but its looking bad. Hmm. Shall hope for the best.

After school, played tennis with cs n elaine. they havent play be4...so must teach them abit. Bt i also nt say pro in tennis lar...hmm..bt it was quite fun lar. During breaks play with cs's psp...hee...i really hate electronic games man. Weirdo. Hee.

Tomorrow probably will have an idea of hw we did for gp n maths. Hope its nt too bad. Only paper tht did well i know for sure is chinese. cause lao shi say i did nt bad...hee=)...heng arh!...lol...hmm. Tomorrow maybe gg out again. Hmm...we shall see. the season of relaxing. Yes. Movies somebosy. I need to catch some nice movies. Ken zt ....u all suppose to pei me go one...bt i tink will nt b too soon n too often lar...haha...the movies i watch r so nt the normal taste one. Hmm.

Pw. Chinese Ao. Promos results. Academic worries are burdening me. But i shall not falter...in this journey to freedom. if only for a while.

Keep this close to your heart.
Even if you have forsaken me.
Do not forsake those precious moments.
Do not forsake your own journeys of the past.
I hope they lead you home,
like how they will lead me.

Dream a little dream.
Make a silent wish.
Do not pray for me.
You can do so much more .
So much.

Dreams wishes and hopes.
Bitter sweet life.
Home and soul.

2005-10-16T12:58:00.000+08:00

Dark cloud cover the skies above us.
But rain do not pelter down from the heavens...

Next week, probably will get back promo results. Hmm. Do not know what to expect. Just hope to keep my subjects. Will be devastated if i m forced to drop. Or worse, not promoted. That one is can die liao. So jus hoping everything will b fine. Lost hope for S paper liao. So yup.

So many nice movies coming out, sure cannot catch all of them. Try as hard as possible. Flight plan. The great raid. Election. Maid. Transporter 2. Lan yu(but cannot watch). Everlasting regret. Hmm...somany movies to ctach...only two will have ppl willing to go with me. Cause no brainers entertaining movie. The rest seems like they are not that popular and only act artistic ppl like me wld watch lar. Hmm.

So many wishes.
So much hopes.
One dream.
But only that much ability to fulfill them.

2005-10-15T22:21:00.000+08:00

Life is an apple.
The more you bite the bigger you gotto open your mouth.
And yes, the less you have for later.
And less leftover for the stray dog too!
Hahah. And the sweetness of the meat seems not as strong.
Savour the apple slowly.
Do not eat the core.
As if you eat it, nothing remains.
If you plant it into the grounf though.
One day, a tree might grow, and reward you with fruits.
Then, the sweetness will overwhelm you.
The air is sweet.
The fruit is sweet.
The decision to keep the core is right.
The decision to keep to your dreams is also justified.
A message dedicated to a friend confused with sweetness and lost the wonder for life these days. I found an answer. Hope you do too!..Hee.

Today is kezia's birthday!...Happy birthday kezia. Yeah. Had a fun day today? Realised alot of things too. And chi siang wanted me to tell everyone that i enjoyed gg out with them today!...hha. Hmm. Yes, as i told him, certain things ppl can let go off, bt we shld hold on to it ourselves. So that we will have no regrets at the end of the day?

Yes. Holidays. Hope you do not forsake me. I will not forsake you! HAha.

Sweet. Bitter. Life

2005-10-14T14:05:00.000+08:00

This is my holiday.
It's suppose to be a break yes?
No. Instead you choose to spoil it for me.
Yes. There are problems to be solved.
So solve them!
What is the point of blasting the whole world and blaming everyone.
Nobody is at fault. And blaming someone won't solve the problem at hand.
Why cant we sit down and solve it.
Why must quarrels and angst fill these spaces.
So sick of this. All my life.
My whole god damned life. LET ME LIVE!
Argh. SICK SICK SICK.
Values clash. View points clash.
Where is the love?
If there is no love, what is there?

2005-10-14T12:40:00.000+08:00

At this crossroad, eternity stands before us.
Everything seems to depend on its outcome.
I need to see an answer soon.
Just like an essay, there might be a beautifully waiting answer.
Or there might be nothing at the end of it all.
The writer may have nothing to express.
Or maybe, there was no question asked in the first place.

Season of laziness and boredom. The whole morning was wasted today. Gosh. My whole class actually skipped school today. Only like 6 of us appeared lar!!! Hmm...and the school made my class ppl do cip since we forgot to sign up for the games. And wadsmore its cip without cip hours. That sounds more like CWO lar!....caozzz. So me cheryl danny n gektheng jus walked out, slacked at my house poolside for an hr or so...then went clementi mac to wait for a movie. Who knows we got the timing wrong. So we all went home having wasted the morning in absoulte efficiency. Haha. but quite cool lar. We had fun chatting endlessly. Hee. WOnder if ms neeta will term our conversation as intellectual. Lol.

Hmm...hopefully...monday will be more rewarding. And gosh. I have given up on trying to get a nano. First, saving money is a pain. Second, whenever i save money, i seem to need to spend it on others' gifts instead of my own. boohoohoo. Whatsmore nows the birthday season. So many friends birthday coming up. Sure die. Christmas also coming in a mths time or so. Hmm. I shall be relaistic n be satisfied with a jacket for the new schl term. Yes....that's a more achivable target. And more practical tooo since AC's lts are like freezers.

The next week shall prove to be a more eventful one perhaps. Birthdays of friends. Maybe getting back papers. Doing PW. Wow. And going out. Chalet was suppose to be next week. but sorry guys. Lost the momentum to organise one. Hmm. Anyone interested in taking over?

One whole weekend to slack. Till then...look to your left or to your right. Maybe you will see an answer to so many questions and longings? Vague. Hah!

The missing piece to a puzzle.
A puzzle with so few pieces, yet so difficult to complete.

2005-10-13T14:50:00.000+08:00

Thank you for saving my soul.
part of it...

Yesterday seemed to have reopened a well kept trove of emotions. Today was games day. So instead, i went to play bball with ken n zt...hmm. I was quite happy when i heard frm zt tht they wanted to go out. Hmm....then there wasd a chance to revive my soul. We played quite a while of bball be4 zt passed smthins to lee ning..n me n ken went up to his house n bathe...Hmm. I think i am such a busybody. Somethings i really want to know and am curious about when it is really none of my business?. Haha. like ppl's nic ppl's letters blarblarblar. Hmm...i shall stop being a inturder. Haha.Hmm...although the day was not too long...but as i sit here after the outing....some of the clouds have faded away. Now that the rain has stopped...where are we to go? So many times i have asked this qn. This time there is an answer. The answer is to wait for one. And only act with signals others give and respond accordingly.

The chalet. hmm...also do not know if it will still be on. I seemed to have lost the mood to organise one. Who wants to take over?...haha. Hmm. Holidays. Is it a break for the mind or the soul. Hmmm.

For now...salvation is possible. In fact it works both ways. You choose for me. Slavation of what form is still salvation. Just make the choice and tell me the answer. Yeah. Feeling a little better and defenitely much better tml. The holidays have begun!!!

2005-10-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

Horribly down.
Waves of kept emotions have finally befallen upon me.
I need a holder of my soul to open this door for me.
Before i drown myself in this sea of lost.
Is there chance that you, yes you, know what i am feeling now.
And that you will rescue my soul.

2005-10-11T21:38:00.000+08:00

Outside the rain begins.
And it may never end.
So cry no more on the shore,
A dream will take us out to sea.
Forever more.

Forever more...

A clasically nothing to do day.
Just went out with mum for like half an hour...and had a long trip back home on 33.
Let's see. 33 is a special bus. First, it is a bus that brings me home from newtown other than 196. Back then, taking of bus is important, since it means your company back home will be determined by who is on what bus. Hmm...and for me, people on the trip home seems to be important people. Unfortunately, my home is so close to school. So the bus trip is like how short lar. They say its such a blessing. maybe maybe not.

Next, 33 is also a bus to tiong. The super hangout place for us slackers of nt. Hmm...seemed to have spent eternity in that place. Also, 33 is the bus that brings ozt home lar....hahah....*claps?*...lol...hmmm. So everytime when we go back from tiong...i wld choose to take bus although mrt also can. Cause can tok cock with ozt. but then also unfortunately, he stays super close to tiong. So...i wld joke tht he shld stay with me on the bus to dover n come home himself. Sounds selfish. But but but...if the roles were reversed i wld do it lar. Bt bt bt....ozt wld u?...hee...nvm...thts a subpoint. Most importantly, 33.......is a lucky number!!!...lol.

I was thinking about organising a outing with the wariors. A camping or a chalet thingy lar. But....suddenly...all the enthusiasm gone. And thkfully...i managed to psycho my parents to push back the holidays....so i might b able to go for the campfire. It may seem such a small thing. bt bt bt....u never know hw important insignificant things may be. Never know. But oh wells...lst yr i also didnt go. Bt for very diff reasons.

Do you not look back and just wonder where you stood and why. More importantly why no longer do you see that spot of ground you once stood. i am no longer going to keep wtach this patch of ground we stood on. if only to show my rebel heart for a stubborn soul. Really, there should be nothing left to hold it back.

Close the window, calm the light
And it will be all right
No need to bother now
Long forgotten now
We're all alone...

Are we.

Of course not.

Or maybe.
Just for a while. A little while.

2005-10-10T17:08:00.000+08:00

Could it be this is where i belong...

As i look into your perfect face.

A home for the soul.

I hope not. Tell me it's not.

Hmm. Today went out to celebrate zy's birthday. Q fun. Hmm. I think its probably the first time i smile more than i sulk. haha. Which is like how rare right? Haha. i think its a new heart lanscape that leads to this mood. A different of facing life. I am starting to view life more as a path that is already there, and for me to choose. Rather than me making that path. it's too tiring to try to do something with your life. I wish i would just take a path, and believe in it all the way. I know i won't. But i will try pushing myself towards that end of the road.

The three weeks really benefited me alot. Well. not just for the promos revision. it changed alot of my views of my own life. I saw light in many shadow casted areas in my life. Like while playing with the guys today, i had a different mentality apporoaching the game of soccer. I used to be a must winner. In a way, there is no space for lost. And most of the time, i got my way. i still fight for victory. No less. But but but...today it seems that i fight for the ball, score the goals, only for the sake of having fun and not for the victory. I do not wish to win if it means straining other things. It is just a game. That is a changed nature to my soul. Maybe less edge to it, but maybe more flexibility to it. really, achievements take a back seat for most of my life in the past already. But, it was always taking the back seat only for that few exclusive avenues and people. One of my classmates now said i should open up more and engagae more or people would mistake me as a selfish restrained person. But i seriously do not care. As i am really who i am. I do not think there is a need for a change just because people want me changed? Hmm...but this mth or so, life seems to be so much more than myself and that exclusive avenues of priority, people of priority. The stay away certainly helped me see in perspective the whole embracing of a whole rather than fractions of it. Of course there will still be priorities, always will be, but maybe it shall be more realistic. More open.

There are two kind of person the recent chinese compre said. people who are other's light and others who depend on the light people shine. Ironically, there were poeple who told me to care more for myself and people who criticised me for only caring for myself. yes, that is in short what i was talking about. That two different sides reserved for different people would be removed. Still still still...somethings never change and never will. but a compromise is reached, with me changing, but the people around me and my relation with them still a constant.

Belonging.
Home.
Perfect.
Fantasy.
Dreams.
i used to love this song smile again.
i loved it to bits.
The lyrics and the music.
The storm may have shaken you.
they may take away your spirit.
Your dreams do not change.
You become who you are again.
Wishing to bring along with you remnants of the past.
The urge is still as strong.
But if they really falter behind in oblivion.
Let it be, let it be.

2005-10-09T21:06:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt like you wanted to live everyday to its greatest glory, yet at the same time, throw it all away. Like how dark clouds cover the emerging sun potraying that image of hope and despair all at once.

Today...was just going out shopping with mum and swimming. Nothing else. Oh...and i managed to buy little ziyuan a prezzie for his birthday. Sometimes i do not buy presents for people whom i want to buy for. Not because i forget, just cannot think of what to buy. Arghh...this time was the same for ziyuan's birthday. But but but...i was thinking since its his o levels year...n its comin real soon....i must must must...buy him smthing to encourage him yar?...yes. Heee...so glad i managed to get something for him.

Anywayz...i shall continue to slack in this post promos days. And try to buy what i put on my personal wish list. Learn the piano. Finish PW. And learn to enjoy life. Yes. So for now, i am all in the mood of hope, not hoping and thinking of what to hope for at the same time. Somehow...the days ahead seems to be sunny yet gloomy at the same time. But...deep inside...i know my dreams, my hopes. My footsteps should trace those wishes. And i shall believe that whichever path i take...it will take me home, to where i belong. No regrets.

Just living my dream.
Let me dream.
Let me live.

2005-10-09T01:30:00.000+08:00

Its sad.
So sad.
Its a sad sad situation.

Why does the world need to be filled with carnage?
Why does the wrold need to be filled with so much pain?
Why do children have to die in mothers' arms?
Why why why?

That is life for us all huh? In the wake of the bali blasts, here comes the quakes. What is wrong man. It has me feeling so helpless. It is like this situation where i was thinking about. You know that the earth and the mars both orbit in elipses. Meaning to say, their orbital path has points that intersects. So...there is a probability, albeit a small one(0.000000000000000000000000001%), that the earth and mars would crash into each other. In fact there was this theory that earth and mars clashed long long tiem ago and all life on earth died. Also moon was a part of the earth created from this crash. So....the point is...what if mars was about to crash into earth again. Imagine that last few weeks, days, hours before that fateful moment. i know i know. Eyes are rolling as they read this entry. What is the chance brother, you are saying. I am just using it as an hypothesis. Instead of the clique end of the world concept. What would i be doing in those moments before utter ending? What would you be doing? I wonder. Would the poeple i want to see feel the same way. And vice versa. I have said this before: only at the most extreme moments, we know what our hearts feel. Yup. So i wonder. Weird thots i have at this hour of the day.

Anywayz. Here i end this entry. Madness flowing with my words. Emptiness allows no holdbacks whatsoever.

A healed wound will no longer hurt.
It just becomea numb.

2005-10-08T21:12:00.000+08:00

Let me live;
live with love.
Love with life.
A life with love.

As it stands...i am in full blown momentum to get into my life. And no, my life is not studying. As most of my friends know. Haha, unfortunately, my image in acjc is a hardworking one which i am amused at and for once i am a good student. Yeah. Claps!...heee...hmm...and andeous would not believe i was not nervous? Awww andeous. Hmm...i really was not. Never mind. Who are we to judge ourselves. Others do it much better sometimes. Right? Yes.

My wish list for my new life:

Nano.
New shoes.
Learn how to play the piano.
Tennis raquet.

So short. Maybe because what i want most is not available. Heee.

Anywayz, holidays are here. I just realised i lost the bloggin flow. I no longer linger in these spaces longing to express myself. I start to understand the feel that there is nothing to fill within me and that i no longer need to type out those feeling if only to satisfy that urge. Maybe as chi siang put in his frenster....when u r empty, you are full. Maybe i really am helplessly empty. Or maybe, just maybe, i am full.

I may appear like i am indeed full. Full of myself even. But maybe, yes just maybe, i really am empty. I wish i wish i wish,I knew how it feel to be free.

Freedom. It is not physical. It is of the soul you see. those fragments of longing, forming this spirit in you. I see now that if you want every of those fragments, yo uwill never have a fulfilled soul. So just be happy with bits and pieces. Whatever is available. Yes. That shall be it.

Freedom. Fulfillment. A soul.
Really. You pay the due for a wish, a hope, a dream.
You return the debts ur heart chalked up engaging people.
But they do not take away your spirit these debts.
Its your dreams they take.

Words of a dreamer, dreaming...awaken?

2005-10-07T12:16:00.000+08:00

its been a long and winding journey...
but i'm finally here tonight.

At last. At last my promos are over. Oh man. What a relief. Well. Nope. There is no over whelming gush of excitement and joy. And i was not surprised. Everytime people anticipate immense joy upon the closing of a major exam. But well, no...its always anti climatical and not really that much a deal after all. Will i do well is the million dollar question i suppose? But really i dun really care. I know i won't do well nor do too badly. I did put in effort but nowhere near my best effort. Shall save tht for a levels.

Anyway, i am desperately trying to think of smthin to do for this 2 n half mths holiday. But but but...the momentum to enjoy myself is gone. I shall see what are the offers that comealong and see which i wld go for. Probably more soulfilling ones and not just frantic play like we use to do in the past. Times have changed. The mood have changed. We shall see.

This has been a long long stay away from the computer and this soul box. I shall return to it now. These days have been surfing blog for ten mins...back to the books...sleep...eat n watching vcd...thts all. Omg. How horrid. Since when have i been this hardworking. Hope i do decent to do justice to tht effort...errrr..yar. HAhaha. Vcd. Thz to this set of vcd...i have been surviving. This really nice series. Hmm...watched be4...bt nw nw nw..i seem to enjoy it more than the first time. This few weeks is now like a blood clot. Taking everything once familiar so so so far away from me now....like i lost my memory.(the only thing i rmeber is tht i want a nano!!!!!) Just like one of those situations tht was depicted in tht show. Very cliche. A person losing her memory bringin abt a chain of events.

What if someone very dear to us just forgot about us. What is we lost our memory and didnt remember people dear to us. How can something so intense change all just in a moment? Well...now i know its possible. Yes it is. Till tonight..i shall stop here...n go rest from examania!

Lost. Relieved. Distant. Near.
All at once.
Forever.

2005-09-17T17:51:00.000+08:00

Goodbye is tomorrow's hello...

The hardest thing.
To walk away&never turn back.
To show no emotions when you cry.
When my hands are tied.
And my heart is not free...

This will be my last blog till my promotional exams end. About 3 weeks from now. No. Do not worry my friends. I have not changed to become a mugger. Just that i cannot afford to have things weighing on my soul and mind during this period of time. And by coming online, i am allowing myself the chances to dwell in those spaces of looking back, looking forward to things that will never come, and having a inflated soul that disillusionises my world making me drugged of reality ending in disaster? Yes. So i shall stop blogging for the moment. Maybe for ever. For once we leave something behind. I always try to not look back. Try to forsake them all. But of course, that is so impossible, to searchers of completion of the soul. But maybe, just maybe...

What shall i dwell on then in these days? Maybe all i ask for is an empty soul. A hollow man. Yes. I wish i can let everything slip of my heart. And focus with my brain only. The strain is already starting to tell as my words falter. I shall bade this soul box goodbye. Maybe for now. Maybe forever. Forever. What is forever. WHat is breaking when it was never complete, in the first place.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake
You can't break my spirit
- it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on,
remember me
Remember us and all we used to be.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time.

I'm so hollow,
baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Words of a broken soul.
Fatigue of a lost journey.
Longing of a wishful dream.
Strains of an everlasting hope.

A dreamer. Fatigued. Broken.
Hoping

2005-09-16T21:22:00.000+08:00

Just before our love got lost
you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Where's that at?

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling

And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet...

Went back to nt after school. Still having a horrible hangover after yesterday's orgy of project work. Oh man! But then again, thank goodness i have a good group, and i enjoyed it, or else i would have died. Hahaw...although no sleep, i still went for a jog after school. One hr jog. Jog past newtown, decided to go in. Saw another potential spark. But i gues its too late to bloom now. Or is it? Oh wells. We shall see. When i boasted to my classmates in acjc that nt is a ten gold unit soon, i was slapped in the face, by a very true fact. Who am i to be sooo proud of it?
I did not contribute too much to it. Not even significant. But i guess, i just wanted to throw myself into this illusion that it all mattered. Maybe it does.

Read such a sad article today on straits times. About this boy who lost both his parents to a blast last year. He was only about a year old then. He probably did not feeel the full impact of his lost. So many a times we lose but we do not realise thier implications. Only with time, and reflection, we see it all hitting on our soul. Like the two year old boy, he is so innocent. Why should he be a victim to a lost so great? Indeed, when u lose something precious, you tend to ask yourself why? And if answered, did i deserve it? Sometimes the answer does not surface. Never will? It just came and went. Like how life blows past us. Life. I do not understand it at all.

Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh but be prepared to bleed
Oh but you are in my blood
you're my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter,
bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling

Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet..

When you lose something for the better, maybe it was meant to be and is not a lost in the first place. Maybe its not for the better for me. But as long as its better for you. Or maybe...just maybe...its better for everybody.

Who read my lines and catches my soul?
Who really understands these words.
And will they be who i want them to be.
Yes, its you.

2005-09-16T11:02:00.000+08:00

Flying on laden wings and broken dreams
Searching for the faraway land...
of eternal fullfillment and joy.
Who are the clouds and what is the wind?
And in which direction do they go?
The clouds accompany the searching eagle.
They shall be carried by the wind.

For the first time ever...since i started blogging, i actually did not post an entry yesterday. Why? Because i reached home only at 3 20 am. Was doing pw at freind house. Ohmegosh. Headache nowadays. See my nick on msn and you shall know. Gottogo for lessons now...shall post entry today evening...later.

Fly away to that distant place...

2005-09-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

i wished i knew the feeling to be free...

Tired. Tired. Tired. Too tired to blog on and on about my feelings. So it shall be a superficial entry. Not from the soul.

Went to OCS today. I shall never enroll myself into it. Not any of the special task force too. Not worth it. So ehat if the salary is high? So what if they seem more honouring? The time commitment would mean less time with your family and friends. After years and years of education, i do not want to plague my study free period in my life and make it an empty shell of search for achivements too.

Today someone told me in the face that he did not respect people from neighbourhood schools. No. He did not mean it as an vicious attack on me lar. Of course not. But it got me thinking. Is it the person or his background that matter? Which matters probably tells your character.

I am proud to be from a neighbourhood secondary school. For the school does not make me. The friends and me in the school make me who i am. New town is just a name. But probably its links to me goes far beneath that name. That superficial neighbourhood status. Just like how this superficial entry is not a correct representation of my feelings now. They are just a surface of how weary and drained i am.

But i shall smile. I shall laugh.

I shall not make myself feel the misery u made me feel. As if i did against me...or worse...you. When actually,what have i got. Indeed, what have i gained. Fury fury fury. But again, angels are never ever wrong. Never.

Ever...

2005-09-13T21:19:00.000+08:00

I remember...

I recall one of those moments where we just retired our posts as ncos and passed it on to our juniors. After school it was. I went towards that familiar corner in the canteen. As i stepped in, i suddenly stopped myself. It was as if i belonged yet did not belonged to that place. So muc so much was all lingering in the air of that room. Yet, it was no longer my room, our room. It was no longer belonging to us? Or was it still? All at that moment, everything that has gone past seems past. I mean nothing seems to be held anymore. That feeling of course felt the same that day as i walked back into newtown. You look at yourself as a starnger in your home. Somewhere you seem to hold dear but have no right to. That feeling of confusion is exactly what i am feeling now. The will to go to another place but yet do not feel like doing so...too much seems to be holding back on you. Or is it the other way round? The will to go back to what you feel, but seemingly feel you have no right to. Same with people. You pass through people's life and then turn back around facing that same dilemma. Who are you to turn back? The answer so often do not lie with yourself.

But for the record. I stepped out of that room. I stepped out, and for a long long time, stopped my urge to step back in, if only just to sniff the lingering air, soul. And just like now, maybe i will also step out of my dilemma, or will i step back in?

I forget. Forgot.
I rememeber. Always will.

2005-09-12T19:26:00.000+08:00

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down...

I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray...

Note:
"Do not be sad my friend that this relationship has past you by. Maybe a new one awaits you. Maybe it will complete your life more than the last one did. Maybe, just maybe...it is not over yet. Hold on."

The return to school:

Arghh...waking up early was, gosh, horrid. But, but, but...the rest of the day was cool. Cool. I was really looking forward to school reopening. So everything could just come and leave quickly...and turn out well, hopefully. A bit insane now i guess. I am actually looking forward to the chem test tml...tests and exam fever...addiction...hawhaw..not that i am prepared...as anyone can tell during tutorial today. I think mdm claire teo must soon be asking me if i will drop chemistry...of course not...we shall see during the promos...hawhawhaw...*smug look*...*doubtful look*

The rain of september descends upon us. I wonder how do you feel now. For me...a whole chain of confusion links these days. But i shall put that at the back of my mind. For its my breakaway for now. Just for now. Till then, hold on.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til'
I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway...

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love...

No i won't.

2005-09-11T13:35:00.000+08:00

Sunday...really is a SUN day..hawhaw...with the sun shining brightly...at least for now...hawhawhaw...

Since ppl say my lst blog song was freakin them out with gongs n dongs...hawhaw...i shall revert my blog music to more orthodox classy me music...hawhaw...

Over and over i look into your eyes...

Now, entering the run in period to the promos...i really am not anxious at all. That makes me anxious. Haha...we are suppose to be worried and start studying right? But i feel as if, enough is done, without doing anything...errr..yar...haha. Was talking with zhong teck and we were saying that we will go crazy when the holidays come. Oh man, can't wait. And for the first time, november will be a real holiday with nothing on...unlike last year...argh...when even on my birthday there had to b an exam!!!! Now now, a holiday awaits me..i shall not try to think about my promos that much...hawhaw. Err...right mentality?..haha...wadver...

Hanni's latest entry got me on the recolection mood again...awwww...and it made me start anticipating a really enticing prospect of seeing my juniors battle it out for campcraft...woohoo...wonderul thought. The possibility of seeing people after you experience the same wonder that you did...is simply awesome. That was what made me regret...a little...just a little over my decisions in life. Argh. Anywayz...such a cool scene..imagine...we trying to defend our crown. A crown we got proving all that rubbish notions put to achievements in schooling life that they will only be achieved by the so called good schools wrong. Well, we proved them sooooo wrong. Hawhawhaw.*smug look*

The next thirty days shall be hellish. Argh. Plain isolation physically from alot of things. But i shall survive. I shall not let trials break me. Larlarlar.

For now...i am leaving on a jet plane.

2005-09-10T16:21:00.000+08:00

Salvation comes in the form of putting behind...what i do not wish to weigh my heart with at the moment.

A pleasant day today. Woke up early and went out with mum. Actually suppose to go out with zt n ken...bt i said no...surprise surprise...i just need a break from things that i seemingly hold on forever. This break shall rejuvenate me...and not break me. I look forward to the end of this break...towards the promos...end of it..and approach of the holidays...i anticipate the return to my old life. But for now...i am on a hiatus.

Went out with mum and bro for lunch. Met my aunt and family at taka, mooncake fair...hawhaw...what a conincidence. Shopped around with everyone at taka. Its been a long time. Quite cool seh.

Hmm...read a not so pleasant entry on zhong teck's blog. *shake head*...hmm...as i said...different people have different roles that they play best in their social circle. An distruption to that spoils the harmony and balance of your life. Unless...of course if its for the better. For example if i change to smille more...of course its a good change?..hawhaw..although not possible. But, but, but...if its a change for something unpleasant...like how mr ong wants to change...well...it is of course not to be encouraged. Do not hurt yourself by changing yourself just to survive in a society. Others who do not suit your lifestyle should get out of the picture and not the other way round. Never blame people around you for who they are. People you embrace around you should be who you are ready to accept. people who are not, and are exceptionally unpleasant, like mr backstabber, well, they should be out of your lives...because they should not matter. Your faith and path in life should be held dearly to you. once you let go of it, even if you think is for the better, you are exposed to the whole danger of unbalancing your life, your world, your everything. Don't.

As for now, i am going to rest for the next two days. Regenerate my energy, and start preparing for my promos. I might even stop blogging for the moment. Not to mug, but to rest sufficiently for what is to come. Well, not to mug sounds quit unbelievable to my friends in acjc, but my old friends should know i do not mug....argh...of course not!!!...how come the symbol of slacking suddenly is viewed as hardworking?...i simple do not understand. Hawhaw...but rather amusing lar.

Yes. Ice cream castles in the air. They shall melt into thin air for now. Just for now. But destiny and faith has it that they will return.

*leaving memories behind*

2005-09-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

Today was pw day. Spent morning doing pw. Quite fun. Learnt a teeny little bit of piano. So cool.
Not really in the mood to blog seh.

Happy birthday andeous!

I was wondering, if i looked in your eyes, and you lied to me. What if i still chose to believe you? How would you feel? Now...how do you feel?

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all...do you?

2005-09-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

its 12 30 am in the morning and here i am blogging again.

Anyway, i was so in the mood to write testimonials for a few very close friends just now. Friends that had real impact in my life and were not so distant in memory...errr...yet. Maybe i missed out a few but those i included were so obviously not by chance, chosen. Anywayz. One of those who really marked my life got missed out. Not possible to add a testimonial since i declared myself not befitting of a friend of his mths ago. Now. tht the urge to write is here, the chance is gone...so dumb. Maybe one of these days, when i have the mood to write again, i will revive my other blog of people and have that as a testimony instead? I do not know. So weird these things. So natural a testimony and we always find ourselves unable to phrase it many a times. If the chance comes and go, when will the next opportunity come?

Or will it ever come?
Or have it already gone?
Never to return...

Sometimes, it is not even in your hands to decide.
So why ask yourself?

2005-09-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

Lonely lonely september...

Spiralling down the slide of boredom and loneliness. This life seemingly is occupied only with seeming endless obligation to do revision that is never done and meals that seem numbing to the taste buds and watching vcds of the past. So boring!

Take today for example. For the last 7 hours i was probably either surving blogs or just staring at the television screen and munching on food that i did not even taste. But oh well, at least it beats attending lessons which i will be present physically but not mentally at. Argh.

Contentment. I seek contentment. No one can tell you how to achieve this mysterious gift. Only you can lead yourself to it. I cannot see this route. Can you? Can you see your path towards fullfilling your life? If you can, offer me your hand, and lead me there. In exchange, i give you the key to my heart, soul.